BILL sits in a mostly empty room. He is dressed like a stereotypical college student, wearing a hooded sweatshirt, jeans and Pumas. He sits at a table that has some decoration to it, but nothing too fancy. It should look lived in, the room, the table, and BILL. He's our everyman here. CARLOS walks into the room. He is much like BILL only a little bit better dressed. He carries a white box underneath his arm. He walks with purpose. BILL lacks any sort of purpose, and thus they are meant to be foils for each other.

Bill: Hey Carlos, my man, what's hopping?
Carlos: Nothing much Bill. How about you?
B: Oh man, I had this great day. I woke up at like 3, I watched some TV, made myself a burrito, oh man it was so good, like, it was bean and beef, oh man, so good.
C: That's nice...how's the job search going?
B: Oh yeah...you know man, I'm looking, looking at things.
C: What sort of things?
B: You know...jobs.
C: What kind of jobs?
B: The ones that pay, obviously.
C: Bill.
B: Look man, I'll get around to it. Like, I'm not in any sort of rush man, I just want to relax for a bit, take the scene in, you know? Like, I'm not worried,
C: I didn't say anything about being worried. We just have this rent to pay, you know?
B: Yeah man. Don't worry. I still have some money saved from that summer I spent cleaning dead animals up for the city. Man, shitty job, but I made a bundle. It's amazing how many people don't want that job.
C: Maybe you should go back to it.
B: Maybe.

(BEAT!)

B: What's in the box?
C: It's an apple pie.
B: Awesome man, I'm so hungry.
C: It's not for you, it's not for me either.
B: Who's it for?
C: Well, it's for this certain lady friend.
B: Like your mom?
C: Nah, Caroline.
B: Caroline eh?
C: She loves her pie.
B: She loves her food man. When was the last time she saw her feet?
C: What the fuck? Why do you have to do that?
B: Look man, just because you're dating a fatty doesn't mean I need to be nice.
C: Well you should be. Seriously, that's not cool, not at all. How would you feel if someone made fun of you for something you can't change?
B: Well man, like, she can change.
C: She has bad genes for that sort of thing.
B: You bring her pies. Whole pies. And all sorts of sweets.
C: So? She's a sweet girl. I want to do good things for her.
B: Man, you're enabling her, you're like, fattening her up for something...are you going to bake her into a pie? I mean, man, that would be so Shakespearian of you and shit...ironic too. You feed her pies, and then you make her into one. The pies come full circle, that's so yin yang it hurts.
C: Look, she's got a problem. She's really a nice girl. You should give her a chance.
B: I would, but I'm scared she might take a bite...
C: Whuh?
B:..of me.
C: Bullshit.
B: I heard she had a sister.
C: Bullshit.
B: A tasty sister.
C: Look. I love her.
B: What?
C: I love her, and I want to give her my pie. I went all over the state to find the best baker. All over. Up, down, left, right...I went where ever I could. I wanted to do right by her...
B: Do right by her?
C:...I'm going to tell her tonight. She's coming over here. We're going to eat, and I'm going to tell her I love her, tell her how I truly feel.
B: You've got it pretty bad, don't you?
C: You might say that.
B: Ok. You want me here or not?
C: I'd rather be alone with her, if you don't mind.
B: Ok. Just save me some pie.
C: I can't make any promises.

Time passes. BILL goes to a bar and gets good and drunk. CAROLINE (stupid me, why'd i pick that name? now I can't just do B and C...now i need to abbreviate. Goddamnit) comes over, and CARLOS talks to her. (AND FUCK! they're both CAR names. I am a stupid bastard. Next time I should plan this out instead of writing off the cuff)

Anyway, they're in the room. I should expand the room. The room has a table, the main door, and a door to a kitchen area, which we can see into. That gives us much more to work with, now doesn't it? So CAROLINE (ARGH) and CARLOS are in the main room. The pie is in the kitchen, and BILL is soon to come home.

CARL: So Caroline, how was the dinner?
CARO: Mmmm GOOD!
CARL: I'm so glad my sweetest cake.
CARO: CAKE?

Ok. It should be noted that in my mind, as I'm writing this, I'm picturing CAROLINE as something akin to Jabba the Hutt, with green slime and everything. CARLOS totally digs her. Bill has never actually seen her. Boy is he in for a shock! HAHA! SITCOMS!

CARL: Oh no my larger than life lovely, not cake.
CARO: Not Cake!?!
CARL: Oh not by a long shot.
CARO: NO CAKE!?!
CARL: No my dearest...I scoured the land, the whole state...
CARO: BLAARHGLE!
CARL:..to bring you something special tonight. For someone who is so lovely as yourself, so sweet and endearing, I wanted to give you something that you have never had before. I wanted to make tonight stand out, like the braile on the ATM placard of life. I wanted you to know that I feel for you, that I feel more than you think I feel. Oh my sweet, I love you so, with all my heart!
CARO: No Cake?
CARL: No my love! I have something special for you, something you will not believe, I have pie!
CARO: PIE!
CARL: That's right! But not just any pie, no. I have the best pie in the state, and perhaps the world. Hold on now, I shall fetch you a piece, a piece of our pie!
CARO: mmmm.

CARLOS scurries off into the kitchen. As he leaves BILL walks in. He sees or large lady and is sort of shocked.

BILL: Whoah.
CARO: Hmmm?
B: I just.
CARO: PIE!
B: I'm going in here now.

BILL enters the Kitchen and talks to CARLOS.

B: Who...what is that?
C: That's her! That's the love of my life!
B: Oh no.
C: What?
B: Look man, I knew she was fat, but come on.
C: What?
B: SHe's like a blimp. She's visible from space. When she goes to the beach southeast asia gets really nervous...
C: Stop it. Stop it right now. She may not be the prettiest thing in the world, but love is not about that. Love is deeper. It is something that you can't explain. It's something that just happens. I don't know why, but I love her. Everything about her is just amazing. The way she says my name, the way she walks, talks, sings, dances...everything.
B: She dances?
C: And sings. Oh, her voice is like a choir of angels on uppers...just so sweet.
B: But man...
C: She's my love. I don't care what you think, what you say. I love her, and that is that.
B: So it went well?
C: Very.

CARLOS gets the pie and heads out to CAROLINE. BILL follows.

CARL: Here you go my sweet.
CARO: Mmmmm. Pie.
B: So you're Caroline. So nice to finally meet you.
CARO: Meet?
CARL: No honey. Pie.
B: Yeah.
CARL: Is it good my dear?

(she nods emphatically)

CARL: I will get you more!

(he runs off to get more pie. mmm pie)

B: So...where did you guys first meet?
CARO: Food.
B: That's nice. Um.
CARO: Tasty.
B: What's wrong with you?
CARO: I like food.
B: I understand that, but you don't really talk. Like, I just see you eating more and more, like, he's bringing you a pie.
CARO: Who are you to judge?
B: Excuse me?
CARO: Who are you to judge me and the way I am.
B: I just...
CARO: Look. I used to be rail thin, I used to work really hard to keep that way, running and biking everywhere, watching what I ate, but I realized that I wasn't happy. I realized that I was beating myself up to try and be what other people wanted me to be. I realized that I was living for everyone else in the world, and not for me. So I gave in, and I started living for me. You may not think it, but right now I'm the happiest I've ever been. I heard what you said in the kitchen. That wasn't very nice. I like the way I am. Carlos is a little misguided, but he loves me for me, not because I'm thin, not because I'm fat, not because of any of that. He sees me as someone he likes for no other reason than that I'm myself, that I'm me, who I want to be, and not something I'm not. He loves me, and I feel like I couldn't be luckier. This is the happiest moment of my life.
B: I'm...sorry.
CARO: No you're not.
B: I really am. I had no idea. I just thought you were some sort of ravenous vacuum cleaner that just ate all the time. You showed no signs of even being able to form a complete sentence until now...I just...
CARO: Don't worry. Just don't.

CARLOS comes back in. On a seperate note, if this seems disjointed from now on it's because campus safety just came here and made me wake up brian so that he could move his car. some asshole backed into the fender, or under it, i should say. CARLOS has the pie.

CARL: Oh my sweetest dumpling, here is a pie for you, to quell your divine hunger!
CARO: PIE!
B: This is so fucked up, just so incredibly fucked up.
CARL: What?
B: Just this, like, man, it's not making any sense whatsoever.
CARO: Good!
CARL: You like it? Oh I'm so glad, eat the whole thing! Eat it baby! Yeah!
B: Carlos man, seriously, that's creepy. Like, really really creepy.
CARL: Yeah!
CARO: Yeah!
B: Yeah..look. You guys are really great. Carlos, I've known you for years man, you've let me crash here, you took me in when no one would, and even though I pay rent, I really appreciate that fact that you would open your door to me. This place isn't big enough for two people, especially now, but like, you took me in, and made it for two people. Sure I sleep on the floor, but you gave me so much. I'm really really really quite disturbed by this whole situation, but like, you love her man, and that's beautiful. I'm here for you, and about what I said in the kitche? Just ignore it. It's cool. It's all cool.
CARL: We're cool now eh?
B: Yeah man. Like fruit.
CARO: Fruit?
CARL: Not yet honey.
B: Maybe later.
CARL: So...how cool are we?
B: Really cool man.
CARL: Yeah?
B: Yeah. Man, you're starting to freak me out again.
CARL: Well it's just that...
B: Just that what?
CARL: She's always wanted to try something...
B: What do you mean, "she's always wanted to try something"?
CARL: I mean that, well, she's wanted to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh.
B: No.
CARL: Why not man?
B: That's just...man, like, you're like my brother! That's just freaky man. And I don't like her in that way, not at all man!
CARO: (whining noise)
CARL: It's ok honey...Bill, look, I've never asked you for anything ok? Look at it this way, it's just a little thing. It won't hurt a bit.
B: I'm not having sex with you two, and that's final.
CARL: What? Oh no man, no. Wow, I can't believe you thought that. I mean, I guess with the whole, "pleasures of the flesh thing" you would think that. No I meant she wants to eat a person. As in you.
B: What?
CARO: Bill!
CARL: Get him hun!

CAROLINE grabs BILL in her oily clutches and takes a bite out of him. He screams and bleeds and all sorts of shit until she eats his head off. Then CAROLINE and CARLOS look at each other.

CARO: Carlos...
CARL: Wow...I'm actually surprised you ate him.
CARO: Well, I didn't eat the whole thing. Just his head region.
CARL: Can we get rid of that (the head)? It'll start to bother me after a while.
CARO: Ok...my...
CARL: Yes? What is it my...
CARL and CARO: Love!

The two of them embrace, covered in blood and preferably pie remnants. The hold each other and then start to kiss. She nibbles on his ear with a sinister look on her face, but then it turns to the widest smile imaginable. BILL'S HEAD talks to us.

BILL'S HEAD: So what's this all mean? To be honest, I can't really tell you. I don't see why I was decapitated by a morbidly obese woman. To be honest that part sort of came out of left field. But there is one thing that I learned, well, more than one thing. Firstly, love isn't something that you force. It just comes on. Where there is love, there is something amazing, and somethign that cannot be broken or beaten. Love binds people together in ways that we will never really understand. It makes people do things that they would never normally do. In this case, having your lady eat off your best friend's head. Maybe he wasn't that good of a friend after all. Ahem. The second thing I learned was that you should be really careful about who you move with, and make sure that they are of sound mind and regular temperment. Carlos was a nice guy. Like I said, we go way back, but this, well, I didn't see this coming. I guess you never really can tell about people until after the fact, until after you get hurt or hurt them. Hindsight is 20/20, as cliche as that is. Sometimes you hear things about people that you ignore. Take the advice. I heard something about Caroline eating her sister. I thought it was a joke. I kind of believe it now. Well, not that it matters much at this point. As the little bit of blood runs out of my head, of me, I will leave you with this. Love is a wonderful thing, in all it's forms, but boy, can it hurt.

with that BILL'S HEAD blinks a few times slowly, then stops. Maybe his body should be spurting blood on the couple that's making out. That would be quite the lasting image.

(so what the fuck is all that? I don't know, but it's something. it was started at 3.21 am and finished at 4.50 am, with a break in there while brian went and dealt with the campus popo. When I wrote this I wanted two guys to fight over apple pie...didn't quite end that way, but I did get to work in the girlfriend eating a dude. The dude. Man, this was an odd piece. Enjoy it, or not, it's there, and it's one of those things i am definately proud and a little creeped out to post)

-ccm