This is something that I started writing last night. It's something that will hopefully evolve into something a lot better, but it has a lot of ideas I really like in it. There are some formatting issues, since I cut and pasted it, but just use your head. It's a play or something.



SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
The President’s drunk again.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Well, what else is new.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
The trouble is...
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
What’s happened?
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
Well, he punched out the Ruling Prince of Liechenstein.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Crap.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
Tell me about it. The UN isn’t going to take this lightly.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Nor the press. Have you told Richards, Reynolds?
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
Oh yeah. He’s spinning.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Good good. It’s what he does best.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
Mike, this isn’t going to end well. We’ve got to do something about his drinking.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Well damnit, what can we do? We’ve tried rehab, we’ve tried the whole cold turkey thing. Nothing’s working.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
It’s amazing the places that man can store a 30 rack.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Well, he is the president.
Press Sec Richards walks in.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Well boys, he’s done it.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Richards.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Meyers.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
Richards.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
There’s no good way to spin this.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Well, there is no way to make the president drunkenly punching out the ruler of not only the smallest nation, but a neutral one as well.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
Well...we could make something up.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
I’m trying.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
We could say they have nukes.
He gets stared down.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
I’m just saying is all.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Look. The man has done nothing wrong.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Or, has he? What’s Leichtenstein do, anyways?
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
Oh God, I don’t know. Nothing much really. Aren’t they a tax break for someone?
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Well, the point is, we find out what they do, find something wrong with it, and then go after them on that.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
But that still doesn’t explain why one head of state would punch out another one.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Do I have to do your job for you Richards? We’ll just say that the Princess threatened our national security or something, and that our man wouldn’t take a threat like that sitting down.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Well, he passed out after he slugged him.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
I think we should just make sure that that never airs. Anywhere. Ever.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Probably the best idea.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
Hey, don’t they do a lot of money laundering there?
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
I think I saw that in a movie once.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
That’s good enough boys. Let’s make right by this man. After all, he is our commander in cheif.
The scene blacks out as the American Flag is spotlit.
We see a bed in a hotel room. The President is on it. There is a woman by his side.
PRESIDENT CARTER
(groggily)
Aw, hell, what happened.
AIDE MADELINE
Do you really want to know?
PRESIDENT CARTER
Maddie, just lay it on me. The last thing I knew I was on Air Force One nursing a nice buzz.
AIDE MADELINE
Well, you arrived in Leichtenstein alright, and met with the Prince.
PRESIDENT CARTER
Well that’s good.
AIDE MADELINE
Then we quickly left.
PRESIDENT CARTER
What happened? Something bad in the States?
AIDE MADELINE
Well no.
PRESIDENT CARTER
Well?
AIDE MADELINE
You punched the Prince. Hard.
PRESIDENT CARTER
Damn. Then he knocked me out?
AIDE MADELINE
Not quite. You dropped him sir, like a prizefighter.
PRESIDENT CARTER
I’ve still got it.
AIDE MADELINE
Then you puked on yourself, passed out, and the secret service got you back on the plane.
PRESIDENT CARTER
Send those boys a Christmas Ham. A turkey for Weinstein.
AIDE MADELINE
Sir, you’ve caused an international incident.
PRESIDENT CARTER
Nah.
AIDE MADELINE
Nah?
PRESIDENT CARTER
It’s just Leichtenstein, what can they do, right?
AIDE MADELINE
They have the bomb.
PRESIDENT CARTER
What?
AIDE MADELINE
No they don’t. But it would be scary. You can’t just go around the world punching out heads of state. It’s not becoming for the President of the United States.
PRESIDENT CARTER
Look Maddie. I didn’t become the first bachelor Catholic President of the United States because I did what people said couldn’t be done. No, I did what I wanted to do, and by God, I wanted to be President. I’ll go around punching out who I want, or else my name isn’t Jimmy Carter.
AIDE MADELINE
At least stop drinking. If you don’t stop drinking, they’ll say you were the bad President Carter.
PRESIDENT CARTER
That’s like me stopping breathing. You don’t need a breathalizer to steer a nation.
AIDE MADELINE
But you need some common sense. You know what he said that made you punch him?
PRESIDENT CARTER
Let me guess, he was saying hello.
AIDE MADELINE
He was proposing a trade agreement. It wasn’t much, but it was something. You looked him square in the eyes, got up, walked over to the other side of the table, made him stand up...
PRESIDENT CARTER
Then I clocked him?
AIDE MADELINE
No. You went to shake his hand, then you hit him. Right in the jaw. He just dropped. Then you did what I told you about before.
PRESIDENT CARTER
Well, where are we now?
AIDE MADELINE
We’re in a train bound for France. They Royal Guard wouldn’t let us take off, so we smuggled you on this train.
PRESIDENT CARTER
Wow, this is so Cold War.
AIDE MADELINE
Yes. I suppose.
PRESIDENT CARTER
When do we arrive?
AIDE MADELINE
In a few minutes. Then we’ll get picked up by Air Force One and flown home. The staff is already handling the fallout from this incident.
PRESIDENT CARTER
Good. That’s why I hired them.
Madeline sighs as the lights dim on that scene. Back to the staff room.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
So the President punched out the Prince because he was offering a highly illegal trade deal to him, involving money laundering.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
That sounds about right.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
I think that’ll do.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
He was defending the virgin integrity of American from that vile monarchy.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Can’t trust a monarchy. Kings and Queens. We broke free of that over 200 years ago.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
We still like England.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Well enough.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Ok. So we’ve got a story, we’ve got the President en route back to the states, what else do we need?
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
The footage.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Actually I’ve looked into that. It turns out that the Leichtensteini state television never backs up any live recordings, and their broadcast range is only 60 miles.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
That means everyone in the country could’ve seen it.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
All 40,000 of them.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
At least it ends there. They speak German, right?
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
I think so. Something like that, anyway.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
This is good, this is good. Everyone loves a badguy with a German accent, right?
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Yeah. No one will believe a money laundering prince who sounds like a Nazi. No one.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Was there any international press there?
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
Not that I know of.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Finally, a break.
A buzzer sounds. A secretary is heard.
OFFICE SECRETARY
Sorry to interrupt sir.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
What is it Helga.
OFFICE SECRETARY
It’s the President sir. He’s on the internet punching a Prince.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
What!?! How did this happen?
OFFICE SECRETARY
According to the site, one of the guards got the whole thing on his cell phone.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Aw crap. So now they’ll see it all.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
How do we explain the fake handshake?
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
I don’t think we can boys. I think it’s all downhill from here.
The lights drop. Placard: End of day 1. Day 2.
The President is sitting with his men. And Madeline.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Well Mr. President, the video is now being shown on all major news outlets. The public doesn’t quite know what to think.
AIDE MADELINE
Apparently the latest polls show that thirty eight percent of the people think you are a reckless menace while forty think that seing politicians fight is, “cool”.
PRESIDENT CARTER
So this is a good thing. A really good thing. This makes me the strongest president.
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
Jimmy, I’m not sure about the strongest. Have you seen the guy they’ve got running North Korea. He’s old, but in fine shape. Ivan’s pretty built too.
PRESIDENT CARTER
I’ll take them all on.
(hitting the buzzer to call his secretary)
Helga, I want a title belt made. Make it out of gold, and make sure it has fifty stars on it.
OFFICE SECRETARY
Right away Mr. President.
PRESIDENT CARTER
Damn she’s good.
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Sir, why are you making a title belt?
PRESIDENT CARTER
Because I can do your job better than you can.
He cracks open a PBR.
SECRETARY OF STATE REYNOLDS
Where did he get that from?
VICE PRESIDENT MEYERS
You’d be amazed where he keeps those.
PRESIDENT CARTER
I propose that I fly around the world and fight other heads of state. If they can beat me, they can take my belt. The benefits of this will be twofold.
AIDE MADELINE
This is insanity.
PRESIDENT CARTER
Rod!
PRESS SEC RICHARDS
Yes Mr. President?
PRESIDENT CARTER
Call me a press conferance.
We see the President behind a podium, with his title belt over his shoulder.
PRESIDENT CARTER
To the American people, I want to say that what happened in Leichtenstein was not an accident. This is a dangerous world that we live in, and a man needs to take whatever steps are needed to ensure the safety of his home. That is why I dropped that man, and why I had this belt made. This belt shows that I am the leader of the strongest nation on Earth. While I hold it, I am the most powerful man in the world. I propose that I travel around the globe defending my belt against other world leaders. The benefits of this will be twofold. Firstly, as I engage my fellow leaders in hand to hand combat, I will gain a vantage point into their minds. Only when one locks grips with a foe does one really get to know who they are inside. Leichtenstein was just the beginning. I’m going to start with the monarchies and the neutral countries, and work my way around the world. That’s right England, I’m coming for you. I’m laying it down in the House of Commons. You versus me Jack. Bring your Scotland, bring your Ireland, bring it all. Your kingdom will be un-united by me and my administration. Oh yeah, that’s right! Here’s the stakes. We win, you lose the tariffs. You win, you get the belt. No arguing. 2 weeks. Train up, pansy boy!
(beat)
The second point is that this will promote a new age in the selection of presidential candidates. Not only will the smartest man need to be chosen, but the most physically fit. The President must be the biggest and the strongest. This ultimately will lead to a new era of bipartisanship, as Democrats and Republicans will most likely form an unstoppable Presidential tag team. Right now the Vice President is in my corner in spirit, but in 2 years, he’ll be waiting for a tag.
(beat)
Are there any questions? No? Good.
The scene goes dark.


-chris mastellone.