fuck.
i really really want to hit the road right now, but i'm not sure where i want to go. i just feel like i need to do something. it's 1.10 am, and i want to live, but there is nothing out there; the world is dead. i cannot skirt responsibility so suddenly.

i find myself in this situation a lot, and i know not what to do with myself. I need to calm down, and sleep, but i am wired. i find myself thinking of all sorts of things i can't change, and knowing that the answer is time, yet not wanting to wait. hence i decide to do something, something unnamed, and unknown to me yet, but something will be done.

have you ever felt like a caged rat, only then you realize that the cage is of your own construction, and that the only thing that you need to do is open the door? Yeah, that's what i'm feeling right now. i look at my door, my plain white door, and i think. i think about whether it would really be that bad to take off, even just for a day, suddenly. i think then of what people would say, and how odd it would seem. i'm not one to do that regurlarly. i want to do it though.

i think though, that in all honesty, i'm just too scared.

fear seems to be the theme of the week.
fuck it, i'm living this the way that i want to, and i'll live with that.
i'm good now.
thanks for listening.
i remember why i write now.

-ccm