Something i can't understand, something so complex and constant in its equation, so dense that light cannot escape from
Something was just off tonight, probably with me, but something didn't seem right. I just felt out of place. It may be that I feel like college is ending, it may be that i feel like i need something more in life. It may be a lot of things, but there was this degree of personal alienation, self imposed, that i did not expect. Something didn't feel right in my gut.
I just wanted to go smoke alone and talk to some people, talk about life. Maybe i was just feeling artsy, or something. I didn't want to drink. I just wanted to talk. Talking, i've rediscovered, is what i love. there's something so nice about picking a brain, about learning something about someone. I feel like drinking and all that is empty. Or, doing it just to excess, for excess is.
So what does this mean? It means that i will drink and whatnot, but i don't see being drunk much. I've found that the happiest times i have at our parties are when i talk to people, on the balcony, over a cig or cigar, or just talking over a drink, or in the afterglow. This is me reconciling with me, the old me, the one that seemed to have been dead. I am more my mother's side: I like to know about people and their lives. I like to know, and I like to be there for them.
One day i'll throw my dream party, and no one will have fun. It'll be music that no one wants to hear, and it will be slow. We'll all wear black and berets. It would be piano...I'm big on a Gershwin album i have, this one i got for christmas. I would love to sit there with people i dig and talk about things, about life, about art, passion, all sorts of things, but people will not stand for that. People need direction, and form. The chaos that i love is not loved by all. Maybe it's me feeling all sorts of odd these days, but something just wasn't good in me tonight. That party I love will live in my head, and maybe i'll make it a dinner party. Maybe I'll cook something. I'll be proactive, and make it happen. Then we can talk and live and love and whatever over a meal and wine, and all the while, the Gershwin will play in the back.
That would be ideal, and that would be fitting of me. I'm old again, before my time, but just in time.
-ccm
Something was just off tonight, probably with me, but something didn't seem right. I just felt out of place. It may be that I feel like college is ending, it may be that i feel like i need something more in life. It may be a lot of things, but there was this degree of personal alienation, self imposed, that i did not expect. Something didn't feel right in my gut.
I just wanted to go smoke alone and talk to some people, talk about life. Maybe i was just feeling artsy, or something. I didn't want to drink. I just wanted to talk. Talking, i've rediscovered, is what i love. there's something so nice about picking a brain, about learning something about someone. I feel like drinking and all that is empty. Or, doing it just to excess, for excess is.
So what does this mean? It means that i will drink and whatnot, but i don't see being drunk much. I've found that the happiest times i have at our parties are when i talk to people, on the balcony, over a cig or cigar, or just talking over a drink, or in the afterglow. This is me reconciling with me, the old me, the one that seemed to have been dead. I am more my mother's side: I like to know about people and their lives. I like to know, and I like to be there for them.
One day i'll throw my dream party, and no one will have fun. It'll be music that no one wants to hear, and it will be slow. We'll all wear black and berets. It would be piano...I'm big on a Gershwin album i have, this one i got for christmas. I would love to sit there with people i dig and talk about things, about life, about art, passion, all sorts of things, but people will not stand for that. People need direction, and form. The chaos that i love is not loved by all. Maybe it's me feeling all sorts of odd these days, but something just wasn't good in me tonight. That party I love will live in my head, and maybe i'll make it a dinner party. Maybe I'll cook something. I'll be proactive, and make it happen. Then we can talk and live and love and whatever over a meal and wine, and all the while, the Gershwin will play in the back.
That would be ideal, and that would be fitting of me. I'm old again, before my time, but just in time.
-ccm
posted by CCMAS | 2:42 AM
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