There is a certain point where you ask yourself, "What the fuck am I doing."

That point has come and gone, and I have a pretty good vision of the next few months in my head. It's a pretty flexible view of things, but I know at the very least where I'll be, what I'll be doing, and why. I have goals and dreams, and I want to try and do something about them.

But there's always that question, the "what the fuck" one. It's a hard one. To do what you want sometimes means that people need to get hurt. I'm not talking physically. Sometimes doing the best thing for yourself isn't the best for others, and as nice as a person (me) may be, in spite of themselves, sometimes you need to hurt people. It's just the way that life is, and it's the way that things will need to be.

I don't like this fact, however. I hate making people feel bad, putting a damper on their mood. I really do. There's something about deflating a person that really sucks. But then again, there's a point where you have to do what you have to do, and nothing will change that.Right now I'm rationalizing to myself things that need to be done, and just writing for this reason.

God, I long to do something that's worthwhile again, I long to be places I'm not, and living the life that I truly want as opposed to the life that I have. There''s no reason I shouldn't, there's nothing that can stop me except myself. And that's the hardest thing of all.

-ccm