It is the last saturday morning.
This is the last time that i will arise as a student, with the promise of a weekend before me, knowing that I can do whatever I want that day and not worry. This is it. When I was a young boy I wanted to be out of school, to be done with it all, but now I realize that I was wrong. I don't want this. I want to always be here, to be with my friends, learning. I want to be in process for the rest of my life.
I want to worry about stupid choices that my friends are making, about the stupid choices that I will make and how I will hurt other people. I am going to miss my microcosm of a life that I've had here. Tonight I realized that I really am unknown to so many people. One person asked who I was, then acted like I didn't know New London at all. It was sort of insulting. I told the kid my name. Later I saw him and he called me Winslow. When I said I wasn't, he said I had no talent. I love idiots. I'm going to miss the special breed that exists here.
The thing that I am going to miss the most about Conn is seeing the girls that I really really like, that I see all the time but never did anything about. Seeing familiar faces that are unfamiliar is something that makes one feel like a regular. You know that there is possibility, that you may know them, but you never will. There is comfort in the fact that you don't know them, but you see them. It's like having a set of books that is incomplete. There is beauty in the fact that you'll never finish the set, but you could.
I'm losing that, and so much more. I worry that I'll never see people, but not the people I know well. I know I'll keep them. I worry about the people that I really like but don't know overly well, or that I could know better. I want to keep these people, to learn more about them and to know them, because I like them, but that will be so hard after I leave here. I hope that I can work for the WWE so I can stay fairly local, and have access to all these people that I think are truly remarkable.
Maybe it's greedy. I want these people for the reason that they better me. I become a better person through them, and I hope they do through me. I know more and grow so much from the people I know, good and bad. Maybe I've become kind of a dick since my freshman year, maybe my morals have loosened and I am not the pillar I once was. I was a fool then, to be honest. I think that now, but I don't think the me of now would like the me of me then, or vice versa, but deep inside there is that core, the unchanging constant that is always me. I have always been described as a nice guy, and no matter what, I don't think this will change, much.
On a random note, I still moralize, trying to think what's best for people, but I realize that I make stupid choices all the time, and that I have no place thinking what would be best for anyone. There is a large part of me that worries about people and the things they do, but we all do the things that we want to do, and we live with that. There are no wrong choices for us now, just the choices that we make for ourselves, which are right in our moment, in our own lives. I worry too much about people who have their shit so much more together than I do, and not enough about the ones that don't. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm greedy, and really just want things to work out my way sometimes. I'm coping with this fact, and dealing with that inevitable truth that they don't always.
But what the hell really. I was at our senior formal tonight looking at the dance floor thinking that I really don't need it. I don't need to chase anymore. Maybe my recent fortune has made me content, but I realized that I don't need to do it at all. I was more content sitting with a drink, lounging with friends than i was "dancing". I really was not into it at all, and felt self conscious. Fun was to be had with people I love, not people I want to love, or to be short, fuck.
So there it is. The impending doom is hitting me. The talking heads are my music now. My feelings are summed up with this:
"We's on the road to nowhere"
-ccm
This is the last time that i will arise as a student, with the promise of a weekend before me, knowing that I can do whatever I want that day and not worry. This is it. When I was a young boy I wanted to be out of school, to be done with it all, but now I realize that I was wrong. I don't want this. I want to always be here, to be with my friends, learning. I want to be in process for the rest of my life.
I want to worry about stupid choices that my friends are making, about the stupid choices that I will make and how I will hurt other people. I am going to miss my microcosm of a life that I've had here. Tonight I realized that I really am unknown to so many people. One person asked who I was, then acted like I didn't know New London at all. It was sort of insulting. I told the kid my name. Later I saw him and he called me Winslow. When I said I wasn't, he said I had no talent. I love idiots. I'm going to miss the special breed that exists here.
The thing that I am going to miss the most about Conn is seeing the girls that I really really like, that I see all the time but never did anything about. Seeing familiar faces that are unfamiliar is something that makes one feel like a regular. You know that there is possibility, that you may know them, but you never will. There is comfort in the fact that you don't know them, but you see them. It's like having a set of books that is incomplete. There is beauty in the fact that you'll never finish the set, but you could.
I'm losing that, and so much more. I worry that I'll never see people, but not the people I know well. I know I'll keep them. I worry about the people that I really like but don't know overly well, or that I could know better. I want to keep these people, to learn more about them and to know them, because I like them, but that will be so hard after I leave here. I hope that I can work for the WWE so I can stay fairly local, and have access to all these people that I think are truly remarkable.
Maybe it's greedy. I want these people for the reason that they better me. I become a better person through them, and I hope they do through me. I know more and grow so much from the people I know, good and bad. Maybe I've become kind of a dick since my freshman year, maybe my morals have loosened and I am not the pillar I once was. I was a fool then, to be honest. I think that now, but I don't think the me of now would like the me of me then, or vice versa, but deep inside there is that core, the unchanging constant that is always me. I have always been described as a nice guy, and no matter what, I don't think this will change, much.
On a random note, I still moralize, trying to think what's best for people, but I realize that I make stupid choices all the time, and that I have no place thinking what would be best for anyone. There is a large part of me that worries about people and the things they do, but we all do the things that we want to do, and we live with that. There are no wrong choices for us now, just the choices that we make for ourselves, which are right in our moment, in our own lives. I worry too much about people who have their shit so much more together than I do, and not enough about the ones that don't. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm greedy, and really just want things to work out my way sometimes. I'm coping with this fact, and dealing with that inevitable truth that they don't always.
But what the hell really. I was at our senior formal tonight looking at the dance floor thinking that I really don't need it. I don't need to chase anymore. Maybe my recent fortune has made me content, but I realized that I don't need to do it at all. I was more content sitting with a drink, lounging with friends than i was "dancing". I really was not into it at all, and felt self conscious. Fun was to be had with people I love, not people I want to love, or to be short, fuck.
So there it is. The impending doom is hitting me. The talking heads are my music now. My feelings are summed up with this:
"We's on the road to nowhere"
-ccm
posted by CCMAS | 3:39 AM
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