So sleep is something that i fight very often, never wanting to succumb to it's warm embrace. Even on pills and things that will make me fall faster, i fly away from it, struggling to be awake. I can't remember the last night that i fell asleep before 3 am. Tonight, however, may be the night where i fail.
It is 1.56 am when i start this, and i fear that sleep will take me early and easily this morning.
I am unemployed. Every single job that I have applied to has failed to respond in any shape, way, or form. I have begun to wonder if i listed the wrong contact information on my resume. I am assured, however, by the relative level of unemployment that the majority of my peers enjoy, or don't enjoy. The jobs that i want won't come, and the ones that i don't want are even further away.
The plan was to move to Providence, to find a new start, but things are slowing to a halt. The living is easy and cheap, but the movement is stilted and delayed. Reality is leaping in the way of invention and ambition, and making myself and my friend realize that things are not as easy in real life as they are on paper. So i shall most likely be stuck at home for quite a while.
To Conn Coll i shall apply. They need an admissions person, and hell, i know the school, and i'm not doing anything else with my life. Could even try and take a night class. It would also put me close to a lot of my friends, while allowing me to get the hell off of campus and actually live in a city. I would take New London or anything east of it easily. I need to get out of western CT. There's really nothing wrong with it, but i feel as though i need something bigger, something to move up in the world with. I need a new(ish) start.
But things are never easy, as stated before, and places are not near, but far away. Travel is slow by horse, and slower without employment, or employment in the right place. Perhaps I was a fool not to jump on the New York bandwagon right away. There I would have had a nice placeholder job, and I could at the very least crash with my grandparents for a bit. The city would be mine to explore and exploit for employment.
So far, that's not happening, though I may try for it. At this point, any sort of employment would make me happy, or just something to do. I'm working on two scripts right now. One with Ferry and one by myself. I've been kicking around the idea of the second one for a while, and i must say, it is a complete sell out of a film, but one i've wanted to make forever. Conn Coll did well to inspire me, and i feel as though i need to interview some people to get a better idea of my subject matter.
With all that out of the way, i'm still single, though now with much shorter hair. No more am i blonde. I also have a fairly fucked up neck. General burning in my back and neck accompany me around. That has nothing to do with the lack of sleep, but is a little bothersome. It bugs me because i can't play hockey now. Once again i am sedentary. Hell, they told me i really shouldn't do much of anything, that i should take it easy. I don't like that, and never have. I don't do much physical activity, but when i want to, i do. Now i can't.
This should be a good weekend though. A concert on thursday and friday. Hot Hot Heat and the Bravery on thursday and Mike Doughty on friday. Should be fun, if potentially exhausting. I need to get out though, and this will be the ticket.
I wonder when i will find that someone to love? A slight departure. The song "Black Star" came on the Itunes. It's always held this romantic ring for me, though it seems to talk of impending relationship doom. I'm not really hunting for anything much right now, but the severe lack of girls in the post college world makes one think about things like this. Maybe time was wasted in college, not trying to find the right person, or going after the wrong ones...it's impossible to know the answer to a question like that, to any question concerning things like this. It'll happen when it happens. Sex is easy enough these days, in general, but love is next to impossible.
"Black Star" reminds me of a rainy day, at about 4 pm, driving back from a train. The car is unusually clean, but in spite of the drab weather, there is joy. It is the summer, and though the rain makes the air heavy, it is refreshing and warm. It's like a soothing shower wherever you go, and at that time, I am thinking of the person I loved. That warm feeling, from the rain, from her, from the song, the morose longing that the right music ignites in ones self, makes me forever brand this moment into my mind. That song will always make me misty, in that romantic sense.
I say things in dreams, like most people do, and apparently when I was in that "Black Star" phase of my life, i said something that i thought was worth writing down. I wrote it on a small square of paper, of which we have thousands of thanks to office surplus. The quote was as follows, "I just realized that all those times we were looking at the beautiful scenery, I was really looking at you instead."
Time may have changed me, or my life, or something, but I can't connect with that quote anymore. I know it's something from my mind, and i know where it would come from, but it's hard to rationalize the level of trust that i once had, that trust that makes you say really sappy things like that, and just devote yourself. I don't know if i have that anymore, really, i just don't know.
Well, that ended on an up note. Weezer's "Buddy Holly" just came into my ears, and i wonder what made the song come about, an event or imagination? Whatever the case, it's catchy. He does kind of look like Buddy Holly, back in the day. Before he went crazy.
The malicious side of me wonders if anyone gives a shit. I know that some people do. I wonder how many random people read this. I found out that more people read this than i originally thought. People have conversed over it, discected it, etc. It's an interesting thing.
On a final note, if you've read through all this, thanks. I haven't let things out for a bit, and it may be the muscle relaxant making me a little loopy (it does that, basically makes me drunk), but this felt pretty good. If i haven't kept in touch with you after college, i'm sorry. I've been lax in my communications, though i have no reason to be. I'll get in touch soon, trust me.
In a nod to the early iterations of this story, we shall end with a quote:
"Writing is a solitary occupation. Family, friends, and society are the natural enemies of the writer. He must be alone, uninterrupted, and slightly savage if he is to sustain and complete an undertaking."
- Jessamyn West
yours, as always,
-ccm
ps: this ends at 2.41 am. May even make it to 3am.
It is 1.56 am when i start this, and i fear that sleep will take me early and easily this morning.
I am unemployed. Every single job that I have applied to has failed to respond in any shape, way, or form. I have begun to wonder if i listed the wrong contact information on my resume. I am assured, however, by the relative level of unemployment that the majority of my peers enjoy, or don't enjoy. The jobs that i want won't come, and the ones that i don't want are even further away.
The plan was to move to Providence, to find a new start, but things are slowing to a halt. The living is easy and cheap, but the movement is stilted and delayed. Reality is leaping in the way of invention and ambition, and making myself and my friend realize that things are not as easy in real life as they are on paper. So i shall most likely be stuck at home for quite a while.
To Conn Coll i shall apply. They need an admissions person, and hell, i know the school, and i'm not doing anything else with my life. Could even try and take a night class. It would also put me close to a lot of my friends, while allowing me to get the hell off of campus and actually live in a city. I would take New London or anything east of it easily. I need to get out of western CT. There's really nothing wrong with it, but i feel as though i need something bigger, something to move up in the world with. I need a new(ish) start.
But things are never easy, as stated before, and places are not near, but far away. Travel is slow by horse, and slower without employment, or employment in the right place. Perhaps I was a fool not to jump on the New York bandwagon right away. There I would have had a nice placeholder job, and I could at the very least crash with my grandparents for a bit. The city would be mine to explore and exploit for employment.
So far, that's not happening, though I may try for it. At this point, any sort of employment would make me happy, or just something to do. I'm working on two scripts right now. One with Ferry and one by myself. I've been kicking around the idea of the second one for a while, and i must say, it is a complete sell out of a film, but one i've wanted to make forever. Conn Coll did well to inspire me, and i feel as though i need to interview some people to get a better idea of my subject matter.
With all that out of the way, i'm still single, though now with much shorter hair. No more am i blonde. I also have a fairly fucked up neck. General burning in my back and neck accompany me around. That has nothing to do with the lack of sleep, but is a little bothersome. It bugs me because i can't play hockey now. Once again i am sedentary. Hell, they told me i really shouldn't do much of anything, that i should take it easy. I don't like that, and never have. I don't do much physical activity, but when i want to, i do. Now i can't.
This should be a good weekend though. A concert on thursday and friday. Hot Hot Heat and the Bravery on thursday and Mike Doughty on friday. Should be fun, if potentially exhausting. I need to get out though, and this will be the ticket.
I wonder when i will find that someone to love? A slight departure. The song "Black Star" came on the Itunes. It's always held this romantic ring for me, though it seems to talk of impending relationship doom. I'm not really hunting for anything much right now, but the severe lack of girls in the post college world makes one think about things like this. Maybe time was wasted in college, not trying to find the right person, or going after the wrong ones...it's impossible to know the answer to a question like that, to any question concerning things like this. It'll happen when it happens. Sex is easy enough these days, in general, but love is next to impossible.
"Black Star" reminds me of a rainy day, at about 4 pm, driving back from a train. The car is unusually clean, but in spite of the drab weather, there is joy. It is the summer, and though the rain makes the air heavy, it is refreshing and warm. It's like a soothing shower wherever you go, and at that time, I am thinking of the person I loved. That warm feeling, from the rain, from her, from the song, the morose longing that the right music ignites in ones self, makes me forever brand this moment into my mind. That song will always make me misty, in that romantic sense.
I say things in dreams, like most people do, and apparently when I was in that "Black Star" phase of my life, i said something that i thought was worth writing down. I wrote it on a small square of paper, of which we have thousands of thanks to office surplus. The quote was as follows, "I just realized that all those times we were looking at the beautiful scenery, I was really looking at you instead."
Time may have changed me, or my life, or something, but I can't connect with that quote anymore. I know it's something from my mind, and i know where it would come from, but it's hard to rationalize the level of trust that i once had, that trust that makes you say really sappy things like that, and just devote yourself. I don't know if i have that anymore, really, i just don't know.
Well, that ended on an up note. Weezer's "Buddy Holly" just came into my ears, and i wonder what made the song come about, an event or imagination? Whatever the case, it's catchy. He does kind of look like Buddy Holly, back in the day. Before he went crazy.
The malicious side of me wonders if anyone gives a shit. I know that some people do. I wonder how many random people read this. I found out that more people read this than i originally thought. People have conversed over it, discected it, etc. It's an interesting thing.
On a final note, if you've read through all this, thanks. I haven't let things out for a bit, and it may be the muscle relaxant making me a little loopy (it does that, basically makes me drunk), but this felt pretty good. If i haven't kept in touch with you after college, i'm sorry. I've been lax in my communications, though i have no reason to be. I'll get in touch soon, trust me.
In a nod to the early iterations of this story, we shall end with a quote:
"Writing is a solitary occupation. Family, friends, and society are the natural enemies of the writer. He must be alone, uninterrupted, and slightly savage if he is to sustain and complete an undertaking."
- Jessamyn West
yours, as always,
-ccm
ps: this ends at 2.41 am. May even make it to 3am.
posted by CCMAS | 1:54 AM
1 Comments:
Though I know exactly what I am doing (law school...they decide the courses for your first year for you, too, so its even more extreme) and exactly where I am going (Hartford...see my AIM profile for address and feel free come visit in mid August and thereafter), I'm going through the exact same emotions as you are.
First, my final location was decided in a similar fashion to yours. I got rejected by almost every school to which I applied. I also thought they truly might have misplaced my applications. So I sent them letters. Which were almost immediately followed by rejections (hmmm). And like you, I feel stuck. I have to get out of southern CT...Middlesex County. I have to get into a more crowded place with bigger buildings. Hartford is not Manhattan but it will serve.
And me, I'm still single too, still wondering when I will find that someone. Like you, at Conn, I either did nothing when I should have done something, went after the wrong people, or undid perfectly good situations when I had them. And now without the relentless social structure that a small college provided (close on the heels of a small high school), I am, for the first time, out there in the open, starting afresh and wondering where, how, and to whom to turn for most things. I'm trying not to think about it too much.
Time has changed all of us, but I move forward to this next chapter, hoping that it will be, as it was the last time I changed, just falling into place, be that place for better or for worse.
It is stunning how many people read others' blogs. This is why I've made my AIM buddy list only. After I installed imchaos.com's link spy, I discovered people I'd never heard of at Conn were constantly checking my profile. It was downright creepy.
Keep in touch when you can, not out of any sense of obligation. I will keep in touch with you regardless.
Owen K.
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