Strange day. We lost power all day, so I hung out with my brother at his place. Was a good time. Bad hockey followed, a chippy game that was just not that fun. When the goalie takes a stick to the head, you know things aren't right.

I seem to be a shoe in for a job teaching kids how to play golf. The catch is this: I applied for the job from my grandparent's address in Brooklyn, as the job was for New York. I'm looking to move there in the future, and a job, even a part time, would be most welcome. Now this is where it gets funny. I get an email from the guy asking if I could work for him, which is cool. The thing is the work is in Fairfield County, where i live. I can't get a local job for the life of me, but if I apply for one in another state, I end up getting a local job. What the fuck?

Still, the money's right, and I can always try and work away from the FC...

So I've been having the most bombastically confounding dreams as of late, the same theme coming through them all. The dreams always start off with something that is out there and dreamlike, something that makes no sense, but then they come into sharp focus. Suddenly I am confronted with a former love, one that things did not end overly well with the last time we spoke. The feelings that I did something wrong hide in my stomach, and I expect the broadside of emotional baggage and anger, but nothing comes. All of a sudden I'm transported to a place where I am deeply in love, a childlike kind of love. These dreams never go sexual, not in the least. The closest is a kiss. But that is the trouble. If they were raw desire I could understand that, and live with that. These dreams are about the subtle feeling of being loved that you have when, naturally, someone loves you. I'm overcome with that feeling in these dreams, and it kills me when I have to wake up. For a second when I wake up, I forget when I am, and I look to my side and realize that I am alone. I am alone in a bed built for two.

So every morning for the past week or two, on and off, I wake up and die emotionally. I just lie there and think, missing that loved feeling. I realized that it's something that you don't really consciously miss when single, but when it's there, you can't ignore it. It's just so encompassing, there's nothing else aside from it. And to look into someone's eyes, even removed from the present and your current feelings, and feel love, is just astoundingly disorienting. I don't even hold any feelings for her anymore, in the least really, but these dreams are really fucking with my head.

Really, this just seems like the fuzzy haze of memory reminding me that having a significant other is a nice thing. Maybe it's some deep seated psychological block that I have. I'm not really sure what it is, means, or does in its spare time. These dreams really are the first time that I can ever remember when I don't ever want to wake up, and realize ultimately that I am alone in an uncertain world. They contain this warm fuzzy feeling that one associates with movies starring Meg Ryan, where things end up a little too perfect. I should be wary of that. Maybe this is me finally losing my edge and softening up again. God I hope it is.

So now that my baggage is dumped, tomorrow is Alumni Weekend at Conn. I can't wait. I feel like I haven't seen some of those people in forever, but really it's been about two weeks. Funny how that seems like forever when you are used to seeing someone everyday.

Off to bed, or something like that. Actually nervous about sleeping now, worried about the dream, and the little break up that will end it in the morning.

-ccmas