I have a very empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, and i cannot tell if it is because i am hungry, or because I am realizing that i'm not going to have mail from shannon in the morning. it's settling in that i am alone. i lack my other half. I am beginning to miss her, which is a good thing in the sense that is cathartic, but bad as it starts to crack my shell of invulnerability. She was and is my weakness. You get attatched and you take the chance of getting hurt. I got really attatched, and even though we both decided on this, I feel that hurt. I am living with the consequences of my actions. I am not above it all. I like to distance myself from petty things, or things that I say are petty. I like to be very zen and laid back about the world, or at least my life. I like to be that way, but it can never last forever. I am going to miss her greatly. There will always be a part of me that loves her the way i did when i walked into that classroom, or when we were in the car, staing at the stars at 4.30 am the day that i was to leave for school. I miss that sort of love, and i miss her already. Goddamn me for it, for the clarity that action brings, for making that choice. Goddamn it dall to hell. My eyes starts to tear up at her, at the love that we used to share, the love of yesteryear. That was a passionate love. We were deeply in love then, but like the leaves on trees, the love withered, but it did not fade. We got too used to it, and then it started to disapper. When I think of how it used to be, first love, and how it was in the past month or two, I am sad. I'm sad that I ever stopped loving her that much, I'm sad that I ever let her feel neglected. I tried not too, but I failed at that. I should have made her everything, I tried to make her everything. 1 tear so far. Life's not fair, and we all need to see that. Things don't always go your way. People die, relationships change. You can't live on the regret. My mind wants me to cry right now, but my body won't oblige. I can't live like that, looking back on what i should have, could have done. I used to do that in High School, and i have the current mindset to prove it. I keep occupied to avoid the pain of life, that sort of pain that depressed teenagers in high school talk about. I don't want to mope, to drag it all down. I want that old sort of love again. I want a warm, loving body in my bed next to me, to wake up next to. To eat breakfast with. To look at the flowers and the stars with. I miss that. The tears come more freely when i look at the romantic aspect of it. When i think of the fights and hardships, the stress and the pain of it all, they slow, but not by much. It is coming to me that I have lost my bear, the one thing really and wholly dear to me, and I cannot change that. I can't go back in time. I faught for her affection in the past, I was strong for her, and now i feel weakened like i never have before. I feel hot. I just want that old feeling again. Cherry Blossoms in bloom, each one good not bad. The cold wind when we used to go to the horses, seeing her on Pickquik, the pickle pony. Things will never be the same. I saw my future with her, and I saw fighting. We had some basic flaws that never worked out. We're great when we talk to each other, we're great like that, but we have our differences, and they are huge. She's afraid that if we are together so early on, for so long that we will not grow as individuals, and i can't blame her. her parents have many problems, and she sees that, and she's afraid of possibility, and so am i. I feel like i'm not the same person that she knew, but i know that i'm, wrong, and that i am, and always have been the same person. The one that used to look at her, wishingly, the one who broke down and told her he loved her after she showed him the beaver den by the road. She once said that I should never feel bad because somewhere there are mosquitos fucking. She's right. The world is full of so much happiness, and so much love, and that love should erase all of the evil, but it can't. There is always that grain, that kernel of horror in our lives. We just need to distract ourselves long enough so that by the time we see it, we're dead. "the horror, the horror" said Kurtz in the novel, and now i'm seeing that horror, in a melodramatic way. My eyes are crying, and i taste the salt, but my mind is on the page. I'm disconeccted from it. I feel as if two people are here. One is feeling it, but then there is my mind, which is detatched, thinking, writing. That's how life is for me a lot of the time. I see the actions going on, and i am somewhere else, thinking in my own way. I see it differently, just like everyone. I would love to say that I am something special, but i really amn't. None of us are. We're the all singing all dancing crap of the world. We need to become something, to make ourselves into something good, to forget that badness. We need to. Everything. Or else it will all come crashing down.

I miss my bear, the warm days of summer when we held each other. I miss the feeling when she would fall asleep in my arms, and i miss, i miss, it all. The good. That feeling, and i have the sudden realization that i haven't had that feeling in a long time, and that i would hold her and still feel it. No matter how mad she made me, how worried i got, i loved her. I could have killed her so many times, i was that mad, but i love her. I still do in that needy sort of way. I am still that teenager writing about the angst, and i will never forget it. there are no other bears out there, none of them. I'm not a bear anymore, not connected to it. I hope it all works out, because suddenly my future, the one that i had tucked away in the back of my mind is fuzzy and unclear, and nothing really seems certain. I just don't want to be alone. I don't want to have typed that sentence, but it's there, and though i can change that, I won't. It seems as if i have found my angst again, and i should probably start writing again. Life is funny that way, and it always has and always will be. It's fucking hilarious.

at least i didn't do all my christmas shopping left, though i did save her a praleen.

i love you all, i think.