So a lot has changed since the last post. I am hanging out with my friends more and more, which helps me deal with the things that are going on in my life, as minor as they may be. I'm thinking about shannon less and less now, but she still holds a special place to me. She is my first love, and thus I will always hold her in a special place. I've decided to keep her ring for a number of reasons. It reminds me that people have loved me, other people, and that I can be loved. It reminds me that while things seem good on the outside, they can really be rotting on the inside. It reminds me to trust, but not too much too soon, to take my time with things and be sure that one day when she/he comes along, that it will be the one, and not somone who will go on when i become myself, the regular me, and not the Don Juan. It means so much to me. IT is the first ring that anyone ever gave to me, and while it has had the shit kicked out of it, while it reminds me of pain, it also reminds me of that holiest of holies, love, and the power that it has over me, or had, I should say.

She is most definately never coming back. SHe has a new email address, which obviously means she's sleeping with him. That's a joke, by the way, for my 2 readers, if that. She doesn't like me at all anymore, i fear, and thus the friendship which i had hoped to foster seems to be dying before it is even born. I am not sure how that makes me feel. I would love to still know her. We are very similar in many ways, but different enough to be interesting, but she seems to have developed her defenses against me, in all shapes and forms, and i fear that I am now the barbarian on the outside of her walls. I became that hated man by caring after the fact, and thus it seems we may never be friends. I want to be, down the line, but that may not be possible right now. I figure I'll live my life until the summer, when I shall contact her and see if she wants to see a movie or something. If we can still be friends, that would make me happy, but I have been told to "cut in run" by a good friend, one that I did not expect to hear that from, and it shook me.

I do have the feeling that she is trying to make herself feel better about things she has done by villifying me. I have not been rash in this, nor brash, but I have only showed that I worry for her. This frustrates her, and her new relationship, and thus I am now a jerk. She wanted to cut and run into his arms, I think, but she forgot that we are people, and thus things are never that simple. I want to say that I love her, but I don't anymore, well, I do, but I don't. I can't hate her, as easy as that would be. I still love her, but like when we were dating for the last few months. IT's not a passionate love, but one of familiarity. She is close to me, or was, and thus I can't just forget that. I will always love her, at least a bit, or so the romantic side of me says. I know inside the harsh reality. The friendship won't work, i will never see her family again, and I will go on with my life. I am not the pinnacle of emotion that I try to be. I am base and crude on the inside. I miss stupid things, base things. I miss doing things that ruined her. I haven't been ood to her in that sense, in that memory. I miss her in my arms the most, the holding and the warmth.

We didn't kiss for a long time, months actually. I can't remember kissing. That is odd. There was that sort of passionate kissing, but just those pecks on the cheek or lips escaped me. I fear that she was going with him behind my back for a long time, but I don't really fear it as much as accept the possibility of it, and move on. I have people I'm looking too now, for that interim relationship, but that will come, eventually. Time is something that there is a finite amount of in my life, and I'm going to take advantage of every minute of it.

I'm talking to her tomorrow. I am talking TO her, with her, about things. We're exchaning hostages, and thus we shall talk. Negotiations. I think that this is it for a long time. I feel that she isn't going to talk to me. I am the next Timo. As nice as I have been, through the relationship and after, I am a villain to her. I expect that she will be nasty to me in the morn, and thus she will kill us, not the romantic us, but the platonic. That would hurt. I have tried in vain to make a friendship a possibility, but i fear that she won't let it happen. I can talk to her, to anyone, but i need to talk to someone, and if that person doesn't want to talk, then what? No friendship. It is going to be emotional tomorrow, but life goes on, it always does until you die.

I made a plane crash with my mind. I'm going out to get a piece of the wreckage. I said that one was going to crash the day before it did, at the airport that I said it was going to crash at. We're going out to get pieces and make talismans out of them. I have the power.