I wonder, i ponder, whether this thing will come back and bite me in the ass?

To think that I am being too open, putting it all out there, to think that it may come around...

feel like a dick for being a dick, for being an ass, for all of that stuff.

Uninspired crap flowing out, feeling quite muddled, lacking any sort of paragraph form at all.

To be blunt, i think of things, thing of which i am thinking, but then the thought goes away, it is fleeting, but the spelling is all wrong, and to be honest i feel like a very stupid man a lot of times in conversation, but then i think that there are times when everyone out there is just as stupid as I am, and that is the first I that was capitalized....

totally writing this like a stream.

I miss the days when i would make a scene everyday, but now i feel lazy, a bit too laze at times, but generally lazy. Been in a daze for a bit, and I haven't had any good story ideas. No plays, no sonnets, no spears a shakin'. Nothing. Been dry like a mummy, except I'm not sure if i'm going to come back and terrorize england. I am just there, a dried husk, hoping for a strong breeze to blow me away.

But in other news, life's really pretty nice right now. Had a few good meals with a few good friends, enjoyed it very much. The order of eating was: pasta, stew, lasagna, and finally, thanks to josh, stirfry. It was all very good, and very awesome. Partied a lot with my close friends, and it felt really good. Silly things happened, peach schnapps was consumed, and it was fun. Just pure fun. There is no other thought that needs to be put into that.

Not thinking once in a while is really nice, takes the edge off. Then again so does codine, or however that is spelled.

But where I am right now is confused, very confused because I am standing on the edge of an abyss. I don't know whether I should jump or just keep staring. I feel like if I don't jump i'll be on the edge forever, but if I do jump, i may keep falling. The fall would not be so bad. You always have to land, and when I would land I would dust myself off, reset my spine, and try again, jumping into another giant hole. The darkness would consume me, the gaping maw, and the process would repeat. It will repeat until I die.

Death.

That's something you can't avoid, and I've talked about it at length. It's the greatest thing on earth and the thereafter. Everyone does it, and there's no escaping it. We all fear it, to a degree, though we may put on a brave face. We all KNOW that we will die. That's what's amazing. It's one of those few tidbits of shared identity that we all have. It's for everyone. Rich or poor, young or old. We all will do it. I made a joking toast at a dinner, that I want a swift death for everyone. When I think about it now, I think that's the kindest thing that I can offer people. To go on, to end it in an instant is a godsend (if that existed). To be able to shrug off the most important and profound thing that there will EVER be is just so powerful. To be able to just turn off, forever, without pain, is something that I want the people I love to have. No panic, no fear. Just a blink, and then it's done. I want them to fade without pain.

I would like to forgive the pains which I have caused, they are many, and I apologize.

I really love all the people I know, and am way to open with the way I feel about it.

except jonny fong.
sorry dude.

"You may be a king
or a lowly street sweeper,
but sooner or later
you'll dance with the reaper"

-the Grim Reaper, "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey"

-ccm