So I realized recently that in that "I don't know you" sort of way, I loved that girl. In that way that one forms relationships with notions, I was deeply in love with her. The idea of her. That's what's hurting so much. What's hurting so much is that from what I was seeing, the idea wasn't that far off from the truth.
But that's stupid.
I'm at a point where I need to get shit straight. It's almost like I don't have time to be down. I'm behind on my thesis, on so many things, and I need to get on the ball. I need to get my shit together, and I need to get going. I need so many things right now, but the thing that I really need is just unknown.
What I need is something that feels right. I need that thing that will make me stop being sad, or angry, or anything extreme. I'm outstaying my welcome, I think, but I don't know. That's not really true in a realistic sense, but more in my own mind. I feel like I need to move on, to just get my life going again. I fell in love with an idea, and there's nothing I can do to change reality.
Life is like the movies, lite.
Broke into the Arbo tonight with Max, Elly, Tim, Josh, and Luthy. Thing is, Luthy is such a mountain of a man that he could not fit between the bars. Sorry big guy. In the darkness and in the woods we found a rock. The rock sat close to the shore, and we all bloviated upon it. Looking up at the stars was nice. I thought of the man I used to be, the one that would gaze romantically at the sky, wondering if love is out there. I thought about how I missed that. I wondered about the man that I am now, and really, if I am a man.
When did I grow up? I guess I never really was that young.
Fun was had though. Blinding people with cell phones, avoiding the cops, illegal activities galore. Fun was had, and it was a good night, even if Boston did win over NY. I can't say that I'm that upset. The Red Sox aren't the Bruins, so I can root for the underdog a tiny bit, deep inside. After all, as a Ranger fan, I can empathize with having a curse on your team, and not winning a championship in a long time (it was 54 years for the Rangers. The curse came when they burned the lease on MSG in the Stanley Cup. Since that win, they never won a cup until 1994). It would just be odd if they won the Series. Very odd.
Well, I remain often angry and depressed, with moments of sunshine. Don't know where life is going, but I'm along for the ride, and maybe I'll see that romantic me hitchhiking on the side of the road. Maybe I'll pick him up, and maybe we'll ride off into the sunset together. Hopefully there will be someone wonderful waiting for me in that sunset, and maybe we can all live together happily.
Congrats to Pat and Becky. You know why.
"And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE"
-ccm
(lyrics from the Talking Heads)
But that's stupid.
I'm at a point where I need to get shit straight. It's almost like I don't have time to be down. I'm behind on my thesis, on so many things, and I need to get on the ball. I need to get my shit together, and I need to get going. I need so many things right now, but the thing that I really need is just unknown.
What I need is something that feels right. I need that thing that will make me stop being sad, or angry, or anything extreme. I'm outstaying my welcome, I think, but I don't know. That's not really true in a realistic sense, but more in my own mind. I feel like I need to move on, to just get my life going again. I fell in love with an idea, and there's nothing I can do to change reality.
Life is like the movies, lite.
Broke into the Arbo tonight with Max, Elly, Tim, Josh, and Luthy. Thing is, Luthy is such a mountain of a man that he could not fit between the bars. Sorry big guy. In the darkness and in the woods we found a rock. The rock sat close to the shore, and we all bloviated upon it. Looking up at the stars was nice. I thought of the man I used to be, the one that would gaze romantically at the sky, wondering if love is out there. I thought about how I missed that. I wondered about the man that I am now, and really, if I am a man.
When did I grow up? I guess I never really was that young.
Fun was had though. Blinding people with cell phones, avoiding the cops, illegal activities galore. Fun was had, and it was a good night, even if Boston did win over NY. I can't say that I'm that upset. The Red Sox aren't the Bruins, so I can root for the underdog a tiny bit, deep inside. After all, as a Ranger fan, I can empathize with having a curse on your team, and not winning a championship in a long time (it was 54 years for the Rangers. The curse came when they burned the lease on MSG in the Stanley Cup. Since that win, they never won a cup until 1994). It would just be odd if they won the Series. Very odd.
Well, I remain often angry and depressed, with moments of sunshine. Don't know where life is going, but I'm along for the ride, and maybe I'll see that romantic me hitchhiking on the side of the road. Maybe I'll pick him up, and maybe we'll ride off into the sunset together. Hopefully there will be someone wonderful waiting for me in that sunset, and maybe we can all live together happily.
Congrats to Pat and Becky. You know why.
"And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE"
-ccm
(lyrics from the Talking Heads)
posted by CCMAS | 2:35 AM
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