Right now it is 12.41 am, on Tuesday the 17th of August, and I am full of rage.
I have developed a twitch in my eye that really causes me a lot of stress, which is sort of funny as it is caused by stress. It's a viscious cycle, to be assured. Tonight I went off the handle, just being a total dick to anyone that crossed my path, which was mostly my family, which sucks. It's a completely sucky thing to do to people, but I'm sure in time, they will understand.
I'm stressed. Very stressed. I have been in the limbo of home living for a month, and I cannot take it anymore. Not a single one of my friends has been around in that month, so for the majority, I have been in my house, day in and day out, watching tv, working out, and eating. My life has become so basic and uninteresting that I don't even see the point of it half the time. I do not mean that in a dire, "I'm going to kill myself, boohoo look at me way", I mean it in the sense that I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. Only recently have I begun to crave intellectual stimulation again. I've started reading more books now and working on my thesis. I find that I am growing frustrated with my surroundings, and this is in turn leading to me lashing out at people, and being irritable.
To make matters worse, my family wants to go to Maine for a few days. This would usually be awesome, but for the first time in my entire life, I am dreading the prospect of a family vacation, something which I have never done before, not once. I have always loved my family, and loved hanging out with them, but now I find myself more and more annoyed by them, and their everyday foibles. It really makes me sad. Part of me thinks that it is time to leave, time to go out and get my own place. I don't want to make them sad, I never want to do that, but I find that by staying here, I am. It's horrible to think of it that way, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I will sort of have my own place next year, one that I can go to when I'm feeling down, or just to get away. I want to hang out with people my own age, and do things that are fun. Stupid things. Just things. I don't want to be stuck in my house anymore, with so much freedom that I can't do anything at all.
I'm just stressed about everything, and nothing can help that, not a thing at all. I am thinking that I don't want to be part of River Ridge apartment 3. I want to live there, cook there, and hang out there, but I don't want to drink the kool aid. I want to be able to go anywhere I want on campus whenever I please. I don't want to be bound by any one person's desire, other than my own. I just want to be able to go where I want. Go smoke a cigar, or drink some wine. Just be away from it all, and enjoy myself. I want to write, to live, not deal with all sorts of crap. God, I should just live in a dorm and be done with it.
On the other hand, I don't want to deal with shit this year. If shit comes up, I'm out. I'm not dealing with other people's hard times. If I'm not hanging with you enough, get used to it. I'll be around eventually. If I'm a douche, get a new friend. Seriously. I just don't want to deal with it. The most satisfying relationships that I've had in the past year were with Tim and Chris F. Why? Because when we would talk we wouldn't get into shit. We would talk about deep stuff, or local goings on, or how we felt, but by god it never got down, never became a session of trudging through the muck. I just want to enjoy my last year of college, without it being clique-y or annoying. If I'm hanging with someone you don't like, I'll see you later. Don't wait up.
I'm aiming for total alienation by the end of the year. I'll be a cynical island unto myself in notime flat. I can only hope that John will still be up for living in the city at the end of the year, because be god, I will be.
Between the twitchy eye, my burnt knuckle, and my charming personality, I'm doing fine. How are you?
-ccm
I have developed a twitch in my eye that really causes me a lot of stress, which is sort of funny as it is caused by stress. It's a viscious cycle, to be assured. Tonight I went off the handle, just being a total dick to anyone that crossed my path, which was mostly my family, which sucks. It's a completely sucky thing to do to people, but I'm sure in time, they will understand.
I'm stressed. Very stressed. I have been in the limbo of home living for a month, and I cannot take it anymore. Not a single one of my friends has been around in that month, so for the majority, I have been in my house, day in and day out, watching tv, working out, and eating. My life has become so basic and uninteresting that I don't even see the point of it half the time. I do not mean that in a dire, "I'm going to kill myself, boohoo look at me way", I mean it in the sense that I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. Only recently have I begun to crave intellectual stimulation again. I've started reading more books now and working on my thesis. I find that I am growing frustrated with my surroundings, and this is in turn leading to me lashing out at people, and being irritable.
To make matters worse, my family wants to go to Maine for a few days. This would usually be awesome, but for the first time in my entire life, I am dreading the prospect of a family vacation, something which I have never done before, not once. I have always loved my family, and loved hanging out with them, but now I find myself more and more annoyed by them, and their everyday foibles. It really makes me sad. Part of me thinks that it is time to leave, time to go out and get my own place. I don't want to make them sad, I never want to do that, but I find that by staying here, I am. It's horrible to think of it that way, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I will sort of have my own place next year, one that I can go to when I'm feeling down, or just to get away. I want to hang out with people my own age, and do things that are fun. Stupid things. Just things. I don't want to be stuck in my house anymore, with so much freedom that I can't do anything at all.
I'm just stressed about everything, and nothing can help that, not a thing at all. I am thinking that I don't want to be part of River Ridge apartment 3. I want to live there, cook there, and hang out there, but I don't want to drink the kool aid. I want to be able to go anywhere I want on campus whenever I please. I don't want to be bound by any one person's desire, other than my own. I just want to be able to go where I want. Go smoke a cigar, or drink some wine. Just be away from it all, and enjoy myself. I want to write, to live, not deal with all sorts of crap. God, I should just live in a dorm and be done with it.
On the other hand, I don't want to deal with shit this year. If shit comes up, I'm out. I'm not dealing with other people's hard times. If I'm not hanging with you enough, get used to it. I'll be around eventually. If I'm a douche, get a new friend. Seriously. I just don't want to deal with it. The most satisfying relationships that I've had in the past year were with Tim and Chris F. Why? Because when we would talk we wouldn't get into shit. We would talk about deep stuff, or local goings on, or how we felt, but by god it never got down, never became a session of trudging through the muck. I just want to enjoy my last year of college, without it being clique-y or annoying. If I'm hanging with someone you don't like, I'll see you later. Don't wait up.
I'm aiming for total alienation by the end of the year. I'll be a cynical island unto myself in notime flat. I can only hope that John will still be up for living in the city at the end of the year, because be god, I will be.
Between the twitchy eye, my burnt knuckle, and my charming personality, I'm doing fine. How are you?
-ccm
posted by CCMAS | 12:41 AM
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