"Karma Police"
It's late at night. I went to bed really late last night, was up early, and was out, as in not returning to the apartment, for 12 hours straight, thereabouts. I am drained emotionally and physically, from what I don't know, but right now I could almost cry, though not really.
I am on a down right now, like the kids when they toke up. A girl named Leigh was once talking to me about drugs, and she tried to define this feeling of infinite emptiness that fills you when you come down. I'm feeling the drug free version of that right now. There is just some space inside of me that I need to fill. I think that it has to do with human interaction, the old angst from yesteryear coming back to haunt me. I think I need a girlfriend, but will that really be the answer? A large portion of me thinks so. I mean, there is just a sort of comfort in having another person around, right? Makes sense.
But the other gnawing aspect to it is that I really am unsure about the future. I don't know what goes on after this year, and already it is flying by. I see my friends, close ones, and I think that I will stop seeing them regularily next year. I think of how their lives will be after I leave, and though that sounds self centered, they won't be the same. I'm there for some people, and then I won't be. It's crazy. It's like modernity creeping up on the tribe in the wild.
But then I think that things will be okay. Things never change that much, when we come down to it. People come and go, and we live on. Phil left, and now I have no one to watch wrestling with or talk to about it. He was a sort of anchor for me, and a good friend. I don't see him at all anymore. It's part of the college experience. You make good friends, and then you never see them again. You keep in touch, but you don't hang out like you used to. It's all nostalgia after a while. You see it in the old friends you've had for years. The new experiences are always overshadowed by the times past.
Time rolls on, slowing for no man, nothing at all.
"You don't remember, you don't remember! Why don't you remember my name! Off with his head man, off with his head! Why don't you remember my name, I guess you do!"
The ex IMed me, in passing a day or two ago. It's funny how you just don't think of a person as a person anymore, and then boom, there they are again. It made me think about where she is, and what she is doing, or should I say, who. The former is always curious about the latter, and when you completely lose touch with a person, you wonder about all aspects of their life. Hell, I don't even know how to get in touch with her anymore. Does she still have the same email? Phone is out of the question, and the me of today doesn't want that.
In a bit of pent up rant, I just want to say that this is one of those situations where we were saying we would be friends after the fact. Cut ahead 6 months after the break, and I make a friendly gesture, offering coffee to catch up and see how life is. She freaks. She's always been skittish, just like the album. So being in Japan, I vowed. Fuck her. I had basically refused to get really angry the whole time after the break, but then I did. Really angry. It was a realization that I knew this person for the better part of 3 years, and suddenly she wanted nothing to do with me, even in a platonic sense. She didn't have the balls to say it outright, so she would give vague answers. That bothered me.
I'm a hypocrite though. I'm vague as all hell, but I was always honest with her.
"We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn, burn motherfucker, burn"
I'm on fire right now, but in a very controlled way, unmoving and contained. My brain is clear right now, I notice nothing but the tactile sensation of the keys below my fingers. I see the letters forming words, listening to other words, and knowing that in words, the words that I write, I can express myself better than I ever could with spoken words. In type people don't talk back, so I'm not afraid.
"If man is 5 and the devil is 6, then that must make me 7: this honky's gone to heaven"
I'm done.
-ccm
(first two by radiohead, last two by the bloodhound gang)
It's late at night. I went to bed really late last night, was up early, and was out, as in not returning to the apartment, for 12 hours straight, thereabouts. I am drained emotionally and physically, from what I don't know, but right now I could almost cry, though not really.
I am on a down right now, like the kids when they toke up. A girl named Leigh was once talking to me about drugs, and she tried to define this feeling of infinite emptiness that fills you when you come down. I'm feeling the drug free version of that right now. There is just some space inside of me that I need to fill. I think that it has to do with human interaction, the old angst from yesteryear coming back to haunt me. I think I need a girlfriend, but will that really be the answer? A large portion of me thinks so. I mean, there is just a sort of comfort in having another person around, right? Makes sense.
But the other gnawing aspect to it is that I really am unsure about the future. I don't know what goes on after this year, and already it is flying by. I see my friends, close ones, and I think that I will stop seeing them regularily next year. I think of how their lives will be after I leave, and though that sounds self centered, they won't be the same. I'm there for some people, and then I won't be. It's crazy. It's like modernity creeping up on the tribe in the wild.
But then I think that things will be okay. Things never change that much, when we come down to it. People come and go, and we live on. Phil left, and now I have no one to watch wrestling with or talk to about it. He was a sort of anchor for me, and a good friend. I don't see him at all anymore. It's part of the college experience. You make good friends, and then you never see them again. You keep in touch, but you don't hang out like you used to. It's all nostalgia after a while. You see it in the old friends you've had for years. The new experiences are always overshadowed by the times past.
Time rolls on, slowing for no man, nothing at all.
"You don't remember, you don't remember! Why don't you remember my name! Off with his head man, off with his head! Why don't you remember my name, I guess you do!"
The ex IMed me, in passing a day or two ago. It's funny how you just don't think of a person as a person anymore, and then boom, there they are again. It made me think about where she is, and what she is doing, or should I say, who. The former is always curious about the latter, and when you completely lose touch with a person, you wonder about all aspects of their life. Hell, I don't even know how to get in touch with her anymore. Does she still have the same email? Phone is out of the question, and the me of today doesn't want that.
In a bit of pent up rant, I just want to say that this is one of those situations where we were saying we would be friends after the fact. Cut ahead 6 months after the break, and I make a friendly gesture, offering coffee to catch up and see how life is. She freaks. She's always been skittish, just like the album. So being in Japan, I vowed. Fuck her. I had basically refused to get really angry the whole time after the break, but then I did. Really angry. It was a realization that I knew this person for the better part of 3 years, and suddenly she wanted nothing to do with me, even in a platonic sense. She didn't have the balls to say it outright, so she would give vague answers. That bothered me.
I'm a hypocrite though. I'm vague as all hell, but I was always honest with her.
"We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn, burn motherfucker, burn"
I'm on fire right now, but in a very controlled way, unmoving and contained. My brain is clear right now, I notice nothing but the tactile sensation of the keys below my fingers. I see the letters forming words, listening to other words, and knowing that in words, the words that I write, I can express myself better than I ever could with spoken words. In type people don't talk back, so I'm not afraid.
"If man is 5 and the devil is 6, then that must make me 7: this honky's gone to heaven"
I'm done.
-ccm
(first two by radiohead, last two by the bloodhound gang)
posted by CCMAS | 3:44 AM
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