Last night I could not sleep. I sat up. I watched some hulu, deciding to watch an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", season 1. My room mate and I have been working our way through the series bit by bit. I got into it at season 3, so there is a lot of character background that I haven't seen, but I've inferred from the last three seasons. Anyway, I'm watching this thing last night, and I realize why I'm awake.
I've been thinking about the past a lot of late. John, my oldest current living friend, is in San Diego for six weeks. I haven't really seen him for a year or two, but we got to hang out last weekend. It was a good time, and refreshing as all hell to catch up with him. The more things change, the more they stay the same. But something has been nagging me. While watching Buffy, I realized that I miss being a youngster. I miss going to school. I miss all those stupid things.
There's one sort of memory moment that sticks out for me. It's Halloween, or close to it. The Simpson's Halloween Special is on, and I'm standing in my kitchen. I'm a teenager, I don't remember exactly how old, but let's say 15. Ten years ago. John and I are going out to do something. The air is that crisp, cold kind, that you only get in New England during the fall. It's cold, but not cold enough that it keeps kids inside. In fact, the cold, the bare trees, the clear sky and full moon...that's Halloween. Not store bought decorations, but that coolness, that primal fear, like the colonials felt. That's Halloween. But the memory goes on. We cruise around. We swipe a pumpkin, or something, and smash it up. Hell, it might have been one of our friend's pumpkins.
I also think of those times. Knowledge was key. Everyday there was just this great influx of new information. That's so hard to do these days. People don't want to talk about the Great War or the past. They want to discuss the new, the current, the unbending reality in which we live. It's so boring. But then, those days we could relish in the new information. IT was our reality.
The awkward chasing of girls, the crushes, the heart ache, all that stuff. The puppy dog way that it all went down. The inevitable break that would occur. It was all so simple, it was all so vivid, confusing, infuriating. It was truly living.
Have you ever wondered how a newborn feels? Grasping at something that's completely unknown and trying to understand? That's what being a teenager is like, except that we know something better is beyond, and we can't truly cope with all the things that are going on. But looking back...
Looking back I realize that those times were wonderful. The reckless way we tackled life, the stupid things we did. We were learning, pushing our limits. And the sad thing is that we can never go back. We are forever pushing forwards towards our inevitable end. I'll never be able to capture the warmth of that kitchen, the cool air, the existential crisis of being that was adolescence. Are things better now? Not really. Now I know where I was going before. I've arrived, to a degree, and it's frustrating. Is there no more room to grow? I know there are things to do, kids, marriage, the whole thing. But that enjoyable time, being a kid, is truly gone. I miss it. I miss the stupidity of it. I miss it oh so very much.
I've been thinking about the past a lot of late. John, my oldest current living friend, is in San Diego for six weeks. I haven't really seen him for a year or two, but we got to hang out last weekend. It was a good time, and refreshing as all hell to catch up with him. The more things change, the more they stay the same. But something has been nagging me. While watching Buffy, I realized that I miss being a youngster. I miss going to school. I miss all those stupid things.
There's one sort of memory moment that sticks out for me. It's Halloween, or close to it. The Simpson's Halloween Special is on, and I'm standing in my kitchen. I'm a teenager, I don't remember exactly how old, but let's say 15. Ten years ago. John and I are going out to do something. The air is that crisp, cold kind, that you only get in New England during the fall. It's cold, but not cold enough that it keeps kids inside. In fact, the cold, the bare trees, the clear sky and full moon...that's Halloween. Not store bought decorations, but that coolness, that primal fear, like the colonials felt. That's Halloween. But the memory goes on. We cruise around. We swipe a pumpkin, or something, and smash it up. Hell, it might have been one of our friend's pumpkins.
I also think of those times. Knowledge was key. Everyday there was just this great influx of new information. That's so hard to do these days. People don't want to talk about the Great War or the past. They want to discuss the new, the current, the unbending reality in which we live. It's so boring. But then, those days we could relish in the new information. IT was our reality.
The awkward chasing of girls, the crushes, the heart ache, all that stuff. The puppy dog way that it all went down. The inevitable break that would occur. It was all so simple, it was all so vivid, confusing, infuriating. It was truly living.
Have you ever wondered how a newborn feels? Grasping at something that's completely unknown and trying to understand? That's what being a teenager is like, except that we know something better is beyond, and we can't truly cope with all the things that are going on. But looking back...
Looking back I realize that those times were wonderful. The reckless way we tackled life, the stupid things we did. We were learning, pushing our limits. And the sad thing is that we can never go back. We are forever pushing forwards towards our inevitable end. I'll never be able to capture the warmth of that kitchen, the cool air, the existential crisis of being that was adolescence. Are things better now? Not really. Now I know where I was going before. I've arrived, to a degree, and it's frustrating. Is there no more room to grow? I know there are things to do, kids, marriage, the whole thing. But that enjoyable time, being a kid, is truly gone. I miss it. I miss the stupidity of it. I miss it oh so very much.
posted by CCMAS | 4:49 PM
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