Strange day. We lost power all day, so I hung out with my brother at his place. Was a good time. Bad hockey followed, a chippy game that was just not that fun. When the goalie takes a stick to the head, you know things aren't right.

I seem to be a shoe in for a job teaching kids how to play golf. The catch is this: I applied for the job from my grandparent's address in Brooklyn, as the job was for New York. I'm looking to move there in the future, and a job, even a part time, would be most welcome. Now this is where it gets funny. I get an email from the guy asking if I could work for him, which is cool. The thing is the work is in Fairfield County, where i live. I can't get a local job for the life of me, but if I apply for one in another state, I end up getting a local job. What the fuck?

Still, the money's right, and I can always try and work away from the FC...

So I've been having the most bombastically confounding dreams as of late, the same theme coming through them all. The dreams always start off with something that is out there and dreamlike, something that makes no sense, but then they come into sharp focus. Suddenly I am confronted with a former love, one that things did not end overly well with the last time we spoke. The feelings that I did something wrong hide in my stomach, and I expect the broadside of emotional baggage and anger, but nothing comes. All of a sudden I'm transported to a place where I am deeply in love, a childlike kind of love. These dreams never go sexual, not in the least. The closest is a kiss. But that is the trouble. If they were raw desire I could understand that, and live with that. These dreams are about the subtle feeling of being loved that you have when, naturally, someone loves you. I'm overcome with that feeling in these dreams, and it kills me when I have to wake up. For a second when I wake up, I forget when I am, and I look to my side and realize that I am alone. I am alone in a bed built for two.

So every morning for the past week or two, on and off, I wake up and die emotionally. I just lie there and think, missing that loved feeling. I realized that it's something that you don't really consciously miss when single, but when it's there, you can't ignore it. It's just so encompassing, there's nothing else aside from it. And to look into someone's eyes, even removed from the present and your current feelings, and feel love, is just astoundingly disorienting. I don't even hold any feelings for her anymore, in the least really, but these dreams are really fucking with my head.

Really, this just seems like the fuzzy haze of memory reminding me that having a significant other is a nice thing. Maybe it's some deep seated psychological block that I have. I'm not really sure what it is, means, or does in its spare time. These dreams really are the first time that I can ever remember when I don't ever want to wake up, and realize ultimately that I am alone in an uncertain world. They contain this warm fuzzy feeling that one associates with movies starring Meg Ryan, where things end up a little too perfect. I should be wary of that. Maybe this is me finally losing my edge and softening up again. God I hope it is.

So now that my baggage is dumped, tomorrow is Alumni Weekend at Conn. I can't wait. I feel like I haven't seen some of those people in forever, but really it's been about two weeks. Funny how that seems like forever when you are used to seeing someone everyday.

Off to bed, or something like that. Actually nervous about sleeping now, worried about the dream, and the little break up that will end it in the morning.

-ccmas

Man, I am not good at having disabilities.

So my neck will take pretty much a year to get back to full strength. I can live with that. For the most part, it hasn't even hindered me much at all since physical therapy ended, which is a very good thing. All the vertebrae are moving well, and I can move my head around, though I still can't shake my head "no" with any enthusiasm.

Thing is, tonight at hockey, I realized that I am indeed still fucked up quite a bit. The doctor had said that no matter what I do, possibly for the rest of my life, I will suffer back pain and just a general weakness with my neck and upper back. Great. I didn't think much of this, but back to tonight...

It was a shitty game, but the ice was nice and hard. The rink was unusually hot, and I just couldn't focus for god knows what reason. I've had this problem since I've started playing again, where I just can't seem to focus on the action and the puck, and things just don't go right for me. We were down 5-2, as a result, and whilst moving laterally across the net I caught an edge and fell down. Though embarassing, this used to be no big deal. Now, it almost put me out of action. Even with adrenaline going my body just began to tense up to try and protect the weakened joints. I went from being able to glide around without much work to taking baby steps to try and get an angle. Thankfully, there wasn't much action for the last bit of the game, but by the time it was over I was just dead.

So I barely could carry my stuff to the car. Imagine being punched in the spine, right about where your shoulder blades meet, in that one that kind of sticks out a little more than the others. That's what it feels like, and I am not a happy person about this. It sort of reminds me that I am mortal, that I have limits, and that I can't just do the things I want to do with reckless abandon. Hell, what kills me is the fact that it was me slipping and not doing anything constructive. Just something stupid. When I know the impact is coming, I can brace for it, but this was just sudden and jarring. My elbow took most of it, but the impact just freaked my body out.

So here I am, icing, then heating, then icing again until it feels better, which I hope it does. If it doesn't, well, I don't know what I'll do. Already I am old and frail, at the tender age of 22. I had the thought that these things just don't happen, but they happen all the time. Really, aren't we all just lucky to be alive?

-ccmas

om.

dot com.

Ok, so here's how it seems like it is. We created the devil to keep us all in line, but then we realized that he threw really bitching parties, and we all wanted to get down with him. Thing is, someone dropped the dime on this cool crew, and the party got broken up, went underground, and now you need to know some big dude with some keys to get in. The party is even better now that all those squares aren't involved. I hate those guys.

I just watched 4 hours of tv after finally having a good hockey game. the first 2 were devoted to the 9-11 comission, which was punctuated with wrestling matches thanks to the on demand tv. The second half was devoted to Hell, and the devil. Man, I love the devil.

Let me explain. The devil is sort of one of those cultural creations that if it were in any other culture we would laugh at. I mean, seriously. There's this big dude in the sky, and everything is groovy, then all of a sudden this one guy convinces a bunch of other dudes to rebel, and then they all get stuck underground. However, their leader Lucifer (the morning star) is an optimist and he convinces all the other dudes to make the best of their new space. They put up some posters, and settle in.

I must say, I've always been sort of fascinated by the idea of the adversary, just a figure that is supposed to be so evil and anti-good that we are supposed to hate him for being hateful. It's kind of like the whole Judas thing. Judas is stuck in his position of a traitor by fate. If he changed his mind, nothing would have happened. Maybe it can be argued that it was the devil working through him, but really, that's rough. I mean, he's just a dude like any other. He had a bad day. Can we really fault him that much? And why hasn't he been forgiven? Hmm? Come on.

But this is just a bit of rambling on about something that matters little in the realm of things. Go read the Malleus Maleficarum or something. Hunt some witches in the darkness, and convince us that all things are right with the universe, and that all good people are just that.

Man, if I were a few years younger this brooding would be so much more appealing to girls. Oh wait, it was...

Still, Hell is interesting. I wanted to write on it for the longest time, about how cultures develop their notions of hell and the adversary figure, and how it ties into their surroundings and just their whole deal. I mean, our modern view of hell comes from Dante, for the most part, but he just made a lot of that shit up to get back at people he didn't like. Where did the original concepts come from? Why are there so many named demons, like Baal, Behemoth, etc.? Demonology is really interesting, but people become wary when you say that you study demons. Cultural bias.

It is also interesting how people will get uncomfortable when reading about this stuff. Once again, cultural conditioning is to blame. We're raised to fear these things, and that notion that we're dealing with something we can't control or understand will always put a tinge of doubt into our minds. It's like being alone, and looking into the darkness. You know in your rational mind that nothing is there, but there is that possibility that your darkest fears reside there, that they are just waiting for the right moment to manifest themselves, to ruin your day, and to make you afraid in your isolation. It's that instinctual distrust of anything that seems safe that might be dangerous.

But enough rambling out of me for one night. I need to find a bed to sleep in, and a morning to waste. Regardless of whether there is a lord up high or a fallen angel, I need to sleep, and that will not change.

Until I'm dead.

-ccmas

To be a year older and realize things.

At the request of an avid reader, I'm updating. Avid Diva.

So this past weekend I went to ConnColl for my friend Ryan's 21st birthday. It was a good affair, with all things going surprisingly well, but the night highlighted the fact that I most certainly do not like college at all anymore, and really, would rather spend a night reading alone than bumping heads with meatbags in Cro.

This sounds harsh. Let me explain.

The reason that I want to go to Conn is to see my friends, the ones that I know and love. These are people that I formed meaningful relationships with, and whether they were at Conn or Kuwait, I would track them down and visit them. I may take a while to see everyone, but I'll get there. Going to a college puts me back into a college situation, and now that I'm on the outside, I really realize how crazy and how absurd it all really is. I forgot that whilst at school, and had fun. Now, if I have fun, I'm a creepy dude coming back to hit on the frosh. I guess I'm just feeling like I'm the other now, that I'm marked, and I'm not overly comfortable with that yet.

However, maybe this is all in my mind. Maybe I'm imagining this, but I feel as though I am not. I get a kick out of seeing my friends, acquaintances, and all the rest, but I care little for the bad parts of the experience. I don't want to see certain people, and I don't care to really meet new people. I will do both, if needed, but really I'm there for a very limited reason. I'm harsh on myself and my role there.

In short, I feel that every second after the party that I spend on campus without a designated task is one second too long. After the purpose is gone, I have no use, and should cease to exist. I'll see my people then leave. After all, we all don't want to be "that guy".

-ccmas