Sky Claire and the Pie of Tomorrow

is that really the ultimate band name? I don't know, but it's damn catchy.

So I went to this party with John in Danbury. Preface: we had been at Uno's in Fairfield before this, eating pizza and gaining alcoholic drinks for consumptionl. So we went to this party, and by god there must have been fifty people there. It was in an apartment, and to someone like me, this was the largest social gathering that I had been to where two things were going on. The first thing would be that I was drinking, a recent development in my personality, i had my own hip flask of Jagermeister, 2 red bulls, and a keg to keep me warm. The second thing is that aside from my friend John, I knew absolutely no one. Well, that's not true. There was this kid Patrick there, but he was from so far in the past that it really didn't matter. But back to the point, this was a huge party. Beer pong. Pumping the keg. Cold attics. All of that stuff was around and there. People were smoking all sorts of things, something new to witness for one so sheltered as myself, but not really that new. The cat of nine tails made a showing, minus 1, as did a paddle.

It was a strange night indeed.

We walked through a drive through, we drank, I made some new friends, and now if I ever need a place to crash in Danbury, I have a connection. Also met this girl named Bridget who works for a marketing consultant firm that loves hiring liberal arts students who focus in the social sciences. Score. I got her info. I'm such a coporate whore.

What followed after that night was what I can honestly call my first real hangover. Lack of sleep and lots of booze will just totally ruin a day, and I slept for the better part of the Tag. Was a waste of a Saturday, but a good waste. I like my bed.

After that, there was turkey at Tim's house, the 3rd fresh turkey dinner this week, and then risk. I lost, as per usual, and shocked tim with my readiness to turn my back on an alliance if the situation benefitted me.

Man, i thought that kid knew me.

But it was all good. I had a good little break, free from worry, full of clean clothes, accordions, movies, and reading. Relaxing like a massage, which I am always ready to kill for. I do not look forward to going back to school to work. I look forward to the people and the promise that they bring. People are awesome, and they really do brighten my day. Unless I'm hungover. Then they can go fuck themselves.

There's a storm brewing outside, and it only foreshadow's the week ahead and the work that it brings.

-chris

You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal

When I was younger that was one of my favorite songs. I saw the video for it. It had Jackson dancing through a speak easy, dazzling the ladies, taking on the toughs, and just being badass. It culminated with an impossible lean, on his part. he lead the masses, and they followed him in this lean. Though Jackson may have fallen, the rest of us are straightening out from that precarious position.

Turkey day. I've had 2. The first one was this past sunday, where myself and my apartment mates, with help, prepared a dinner for 15 good friends. It was fun, though i really feel bad. People got invited, people got left off. I hate that about social events. There is always someone left out of the equation. Hate that. And it's never the right people.

The first day centered around food,and 18 lbs of turkey, which was well prepared thanks to myself and brian. We did a good job, even though there were some underdone parts, but it was good, juicy, and tasty. People liked it. They ate all the sides, they ate the pasta (seasoned baked ziti) that was brought by Saraswati, they ate the Fong mashed taters...they ate it all. It was great. We didn't fuck up the biggest meal of the year, and people had a good time. We made pilgrim hats and indian headresses too. We are so not PC.

The second one was a bit of a letdown, i must say. Usually we entertain 30 or more people, upwards of 46, depending on the year and who's around. This year the numbers were cut drastically. People were sick, hurt, or just away. It was small, uneventful. The yearly gathering of both sides of my family turned out to be thoroughly one sided affair. Still, there was cheer, beer, football, and enough food to choke a Tzar. It was awesome, if a bit of a downer.

So now it is the early morning, the late night, where dead men get up to fight. My brother plays GTA, which has consumed my life, but is taking over his a bit now. I think of the day ahead. This will be the first day in a long time that i do not have anything overt to do. I just want to get up, get my hair cut, and give my good friend john a call, and do something stupidly relaxing. See a movie, drink some, hang out. Just have a good time. He needs it, and I do too.

Life is a wonderful thing, and so is food. Eat while you can, because it is all too soon that we are all chewing on the same thing: dirt.

peace love and happiness

-ccm

I am happy
My ankle hurts, sort of worrisome that. Sneaking around on an island across from a naval sub base will do that to you. They sent a patrol boat after us, spying our activities. We tried to find the path, but all we found was a forest of thorns, scattered across the island, the higher we went the more painful it was.

We evaded the boat though. We made it back in mostly one collective piece, though many of us had cuts from the thorns. My ankle hurt. Ow.

The lights of Cro were welcoming. The reason that the thorns were a problem, in all honesty, was that it was quite night time then. Dark. The lights from the sub base were helpful, but only on one side of the island. We were quite blind for the most part.

Adam lost his hat and broke his stick, but by god, can that boy act.
Beer and Skittles, contrary to what Homer may think, is not a good combination.
Wine and Cheese.

That was my day, in a nutshell.

I like how random life is, and all the wonderful people that inhabit the realm.

I adventure now. So do many folks. It really is nice. Late night hikes in the woods with 8 close friends is wonderful, if a little cold and thorny at times.

God, why am I so happy? I had a dream that my Aunt Lina was going to die. She was at the top of a cliff, on the edge, teatering between love and grief. She's blind, in failing health, all realities that made it into the dream. She was standing on her own, strong, with dignity, but confused. She was grasping for surfaces. I saw her up there. I had on sunglasses, not mine, but ones i always wanted to wear, Oakleys or something...non perscription. She was there, and i was yelling. Why wasn't anyone with her? Why was she alone? Why? She can't stay up there! She can't live on her own! My god! Someone help her!

So I started to climb. I did so frantically, without concern. I broke nails, I clawed, I pushed myself, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't get anywhere. I was stuck a scant few feet from the ground when she fell, flew. She wasn't graceful in the air, like people are supposed to be, like I imagine them in my waking hours. She fell quickly, and when she hit there was a thud, a wet one. Not wet. No. It sounded like it should be, but it was dusty as well, just an unpleasant sound.

And all I could do was just cling to that wall, that cold stone wall. Grey were the rocks, and they gave me nothing but blood and broken nails. I screamed to her, anguish in my voice, just watching her plummet was torment enough, but the impact stuck with me. Such an immensely disturbing thing to see. When I closed my mouth, I was empty.

Then I woke up.

-ccm

Surfing for Love on I-95

Have you ever been driving?
Good. That makes this story a little easier to explain.

Driving on I-95 is a zen like experience. You go along for the ride, and just watch the edges of the lanes. Things are fine until someone tries to edge you out of your space, then you just change speeds to get out of the trouble. After about an hour of that, I get bored though, I am a child of the 80s and 90s and I need shiny objects to distract me. Driving near exit 30 something I found one.

It wasn't shiny. It was a beat up red Acura or Honda, same difference, but that was not what was important. It passed me in the left hand lane, the fast lane, and paused next to me for a second. Through the rear passenger window I ventured a glance and saw a pink scarf, a hand holding coffee, and one of the most instantly beautiful people that I have ever seen. She was young, about my age, and there was just something in that scarf that said we would be soul mates. Proving her likeness to me, she hit the gas and took off.

Now this was a turning point in my trip back. I was in love. The red car drove away with my heart. Feeling a hole in my chest, I gave chase. Not in an active swerving through traffic kind of way, but in the sense of trying to ride the currents to just get another glance at her. It's sort of an odd thing. You see a person once, and you know that you will only see them once, so why not see them a second time? Break the chain, so at least you can say, "Wow, I saw the most beautiful person ever. Twice."

I was chasing her. I hopped into the fast lane, being about 4 cars back. Then it hit me. This is a metaphor for my life. I'm always chasing something, or someone. They are always passing me by, and I look ahead and I see them, 4 cars ahead, but at this point we are moving at the same speed. Like Kipling said, never gaining, never falling. There was no way to get any closer, the only thing to do was drift away. I watched that red car drive into the distance.

Feeling a little detatched I continued driving. I kept in the fast lane, watching the exits count down to 15, where I get off. I moved from the left, to the middle, to the right lane, the slow one. I moved there, and I stayed there. Then a funny thing happened.

Red.

There it was, there she was. Suddenly I was excited. All good things happen to those who wait, or just stop caring, the path of non-action pays off. Triumphantly, and feeling kind of stupid over the whole thing, I drive past her car, on the left side.

Man was she ugly.

-ccm

So last night was a night of good things.

Pretty much, the extent of it, was that Tristan, a friend who I haven't hung out with for a long time, came down to the apt. We hung out for a while, watched Lazy Town, and then started drinking, and in the process bonded. Man, Steph is kind of hot when you've had a few...

But in a joking way. Not really. That would just be creepy...
or would it?

But aside from that creepy aside, it was a great night. We drank tons, which was unexpected, laughed, guffawed, snickered, and all sorts of fun things. Josh and Pat came down, and T$ left to see his lady friend. Well, then at about 2am HE CAME BACK! Holy crap I did not see that coming. He said he would, and holy fuck he did. Man, it was one of those nights where you remember why you're friends with someone, and that reason is because they bring the awesomeness.

It was fun, in that warm, immortal sort of way.

More to come.

-ccm

The week went by, mostly without incident, but with much moping and depression on my part.

Funny how I can say that, considering our country is now damned with that fool in the big office for another 4 years. Good bye anything that is vaguely considered liberal. Good bye Roe v. Wade, and hell who knows, maybe even Brown v. Board of Ed. Why not, right? Yee haw. Man, I was really pissed about the election. I love how people are so moral and right, how they oppose the marraige of gay men, vote against it, but in doing so are shooting their kids in the heads. Who needs anything good domestically when we can just go around the world and blow shit up! Yippy kay yay motherfucker!

Enough. Can't change it, but I can eventually get the hell out of dodge if things start going downhill. The rats aren't the ones that drown when the ship's going down.

On another front, my life was in a funk for a while, and then I decided something. I took a walk with Tim. We wandered the campus in the intense cold, and smoked Cuban cigars. Literally. It's my favorite way to clear my mind. A cloud of smoke carries with it a world of worries, exhaled into the air, wandering the atmosphere, dispersing in all directions with a wafty intent. The release is much needed. Tim and I talk, smoke, and get cold, but then warm again. We both do not smoke, in reality, only on rare occasions when we take walks together. In our little slice of Havanna we find peace, and calm, and a sense of well being. We talk about the future, the past, anger, love, and all those things that ever existed in between. We talk about the present.

In the singular moment of my history that was that walk, I could not say I was happier. Just a calm that I lacked for a long time came back over me, and I was able to function again. Today, nothing has gotten to me. My bumper got a scratch on it...it didn't bother me in the least. I ran in the rain, fell down, twisted my ankle (which never gets better) and soaked a shirt, sweater, 2 socks, 2 shoes, and my pants. I was laughing, when i wasn't hobbling. There's that absurdist glow that I missed so much. Somehow it just feels right again.

Though she most likely does not read this, I would like to thank Kristen for wrapping my ankle. It really helped, and I'm sure it will be better off in the future, thanks to her great care. You rule, totally and completely, and are the best housefellow ever.

song lyric time:
Bells ringing lights flicker
old girlfriends good liquor
hold my hand
all through the night
drunk on the train to Chicago
I feel alright

-ccm
(mike doughty lyrics, hand typed...he's getting signed to ATO Records, Dave Matthew's label...hopefully he stays awesome)

Bad Poetry Expo '04

Karma, carmex, what's the change
doesn't really matter, the world won't rearrange
but here's to hoping
and here's to wishing
that someday something good will come
from all of this missing


I've been keeping bad poetry alive since 1998 man, and now i'm going to compile my collected works that were published on poetry.com, here, because i'm kind of worried they will disappear, and i kind of liked some of them. BTW, my name is Topher Zanizibar, on that thing. That was a combined effort of myself and Shannon trying to come up with the most pretentious play on my name. So here it goes:

Boom

Boom.
A noise
it's loud.
it makes you look towards it
it is a distraction.
it is a pretty explosion
Boom.
people die
you look at it, very happy.
"Damn, that fireball had some pretty colors."
We are sick.

Show me an explosion
that does not grab attention.
Show me a French Film.

Wait.

They are boring.
I want Bruce Willis.

Party!

Dance all night!
it was a party;
but you weren't there.
did I mind?
No.
did you?
No.
So what is the problem?
There is none.
We go on with our lives.
We live without rhyme,
but you persist,
you make me ill.
Why don't you just die.

You just did?
Over the phone?
Well then,
that saves me a trip.

The other thing

The funny thing
is
the other thing

The other thing is
that thing
that bothers me quite
a bit

It is sad
what people do
to spite others.
I hate them for it
they do it
and they hurt others.

Do us a favor;
hurt yourself.
Get out of the way,
and let us live

This

I'm thinking of you
In my head
I'm seeing you
With my eyes
I'm loving you
with my soul

Together now
we're standing alone
looking to our future
remembering your past
together, now.

What can we learn from those? Well, basically that I had some issues in high school, and was dealing with someone who was a total dick. It's always funny to look back on those attempts at creativity, and see how my gaze has changed since then. I really miss that kind of writing though.

-ccm