Been a while...but i'll just say this:

I had a good night. I got to hang out with John and Mark, barhopping, going around CT and NY looking for intoxication. I was the designated driver. In the course of the night I was hit by a snowball thrown by a bartender, which earned us a free round, lost a few games of fussball, and drove my drunk friends around. It was fun to be with them, but tiring. At the end of the night we went to Stop and SHop. They were stumbling into boxes, stacked high, and toppling these mammoth constructs like oh so many walls before a flood. I was watching out for them, or trying to, but I misjudged something. John, who is usually on the side of reason, was drinking on pace with Mark. Mark is usually not on the side of reason, so I was watching his intake and not John's. John is about my height, heavier (muscle), while Mark is 6 foot 1 inch and weighs about 170lbs. I learned what happens when someone my size drinks a lot of beer.

They get hammered.

John was drunker than I have ever seen before, way beyond the point of oblivion. He was doing the stereotypical drunken stumble, the one so oft replicated in movies, the dockworker's dance. He was responding subconsciously to things that were said to him, not making any sense, yet appearing coherent. Then we drove home, with him strapped to the seat, upright. We forgot about him until we heard an ominous gurgling noise, followed by what sounded like water dripping, like in one of those zen fountains, serenity coming out of John's mouth. Only it was not serenity, it was vomit, and it was in my car. A pit stop at Mark's allowed it to be cleaned, but now my car smells like McDonalds, for some reason, which smells like vomit.

Stupid me.

So now I smell of vomit, and my stomach is turning. I sit before this screen exhausted, wanting to see people that are far away, and not consume alcohol. There is a lot of hassle involved in consumption, and at this moment, I do not want to deal with it. My car. That's really my mobile home, my space, and it has been violated. It's not really a big thing, I mean, it was a good friend of mine, but it still is not pleasant.

Sleep will be very good to me. Tomorrow, I write my PoMo paper properly. Right now, I pass out, and not from beverages, but from exhaustion. I've been sleeping at ridiculous hours as of late, and honestly, I want to just feel good tomorrow. Today.

-ccm

Feeling stifled right now, in my room. I want to get out of here and do something, the old idea of doing something great, but that never happens. I am limited in my potential, my possibility. I cannot escape the inevitable interactions, I cannot escape this feeling of dread that is creeping up inside of me. I'm getting tired of school, of this commitment, and I want to be able to roam free some, for a while, to get my bearings by getting lost. I don't want to hear about anything. All that I would want, in this ideal moment, this perfection that I envision right now, is silence.

In this mindset that I am in, I don't want to deal with it. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep, and not worry about a thing. I would be able to run, to jump, and do all those things without pain, without this goddamn ankle holding me back. Running is lovely when you haven't done it with a full stride for over a month. Every time I think that it's getting better, I find a new way to twist it a bit, to tweak it. I don't do well with imposed limitations, even if they are given to me by my own body. Frustration sets in. I still can't even come close to pointing my foot. I feel tension, like something will tear or break, and pain. It really is bothersome, to say the least, and it makes sleeping a bit of a chore, as it aches then.

I am settling on doing what is right in the moment, and really not caring. I think John might come to visit, which would be amazingly awesome, though I wonder whether people here would get along with him. I wonder too much, in general, to say the least. Actually, I haven't really wondered in a while, like sat down and thought about the possibility of things. I have a bit, but not the long sessions of pondering like I used to have. I am a lot more content in this day and age, in general, and in spite of my current sour mood and desire for oblivion.

It's surprising to me, but I am in a completely people hating mood right now. I don't want to deal with anyone or even talk to a single person. Just sort of down on humanity right now. Overly tired, waiting impatiently for something to end. Oh yeah, the semester.

ok, feeling better once i sleep and am productive

-ccm

Rejuvinated.

This weekend was amazing. It just filled me up with life again, and I can't even begin to describe what that's like. Well, I'll try. The old cliche of the sails comes back, the wind being put back into them and the such, but it's more than that. It's just something that's great. It was needed, and now I have the energy to get all this work done.

Here are the highlights:

1) Chris F's Tea Party: This was a nice little gathering of friends that was a very chill way to start the whole weekend off. We watched bottle rocket, drank tea, and ate scones. I really like scones now. They's tasty little treats, and I honestly could just eat an entire container of them by myself. They tasted of cinammon, something that I do not often like, but I made an exception in their case.

2) The Dance Show: Saw Betsy dance at the show. She was really good. She is really tall, and yet she is graceful. I feel like she has to hold back a lot in order to maintain a symmetry on stage, but it was enjoyable. Some of the dances stood out for me. There was one where two men played I believe cellos, so it was instantly one of my favorite pieces. The last dance was good for me as well. The wings were exposed, and that leant a very Brechtian aspect to it. You could see people getting ready to come back on the stage, proper. People spoke, the director danced, an elderly man who was fairly round, but could still shake it. Thoughts were expressed verbally and in dance, and it was genuine. It felt that at least. It was a nice aside for me. Dance is an artform that I never really understood, but I actually got something from a lot of these pieces. Communication of ideas through movement.

3) Larabee. I was there with Jonny Fong, Scott, and PJ. Tim came. We were all there for Adam's birthday, which was a lovely little affair. The high point came when it was discovered that Adam had a nerf pistol. Tim has one of these things as well. It has a little light that acts as a laser sight, and it shoots a single dart really quickly. These things are just amazing little toys, and at 5 dollars a piece, I feel everyone should get one. I did. But back to the story.
Tim and I took these two pistols and had a quick draw competition. He had an advantage thanks to the pants he wore, so we moved to just having firefights. They were pretty straightforward at first, but then became more absurd. We went to the common room, and soon we were rolling around behind cover, taking shots at each other, leaping over furniture, diving, rolling, and shooting still. It was like nerf met john woo. It was exhausting, and we both came back to the party a good 40 minutes later, sweaty.
After that little bit, we took a drunked Scott to the footbridge over RT. 32 and smoked cigars. We decided to try and get cars to honk their horns by waving furiously and making the universal "honk your horn" motion at them. Well, after about a half hour (or was it an hour?) we got 7 cars to honk, and one to turn off their lights. We didn't really ask them to, but they did it, so we took credit. It was amazingly cool, yelling at cars, dancing about, and generally being silly. After that, Tim and I got burgers and talked early into the morning.

4) Saturday morning saw the long awaited college bowl come to town. My team consisted of Ryan, Luthy, Adam James, and Tim (me too). We won our first game by a huge margin, but then we lost the rest of them. We tried to change our team strategy halfway through, by drinking, but it didn't help. We had fun though, and I discovered that Ryan knows a little too much about alternative uses for Guinea Pigs, other than as pets...

5) Once the glow of college bowl wore off, I spent time at the info desk and got to know my good friend sarah again. It had been too long since we had spent any time together, and it was a ton of fun to just be silly around her, and it really made my day that much better. We had been the victim of miscommunications, and I thought she said some things about me that she didn't say, and we really were sort of in an odd place, but it's better now. I couldn't be happier about that. She was one of the first friends I made at Conn, the other being Josh...we all met on the first day here, and have been friends ever since. I would hate to lose such a good friend. I don't think I have to worry about that though.

(I also got dinner with Pete Luthy. He said he would take me on a date.)

6) MOBROC show. This was Saturday night, in order to benefit SAVE, the campus environmental group. MOBROC is the local band group on campus, so all the bands were playing. The highlights for me were the Girl band, as they have so much potential, the Dixie Flatline, for their energy and kickass name, Winslow's band, which was like thei Thievery Corporation, and the Red Scare, which rocked fucking balls. In particular, I would probably pay to hear Winslow's group, as well as the Red Scare. I know the kids in the Scare, and even without that, they were excellent. I also got to borrow Manc's amazing accordion for a week or so, which is a godsend, as mine is at home. MUHAHA. Twas an amazingly awesome show, aided by beer: 2 dollars for as many glasses as you could drink. Didn't have that much, but I was buzzing around the room, saying stupid things and dancing like a fool on my still bad ankle.

7) Handsome Boy Modelling Shoot. I am a Handsome Boy graduate. I posed for Fong on the beach, smoking a cigar. I also posed for him on the street, eating my lunch. I wasn't actually posing. I was just eating. He took pictures. I wonder what they all look like. I can't imagine anything else than myself looking silly, but I really want to see them. Especially this one of a squirrel that almost touched Fong. We tried to give it old french fries and a cigar, but it didn't want any of it. After that was a film club meeting, then relaxation, accordion playing, and work.

It may not sound like much, but there were so many good things happening this last weekend, and it was all needed. I rediscovered an old friend, I made new ones, grew closer to all, and grew as a person. Life is good. In my mind, that means that some horribly bad thing is about to happen. No matter, life shall go on unchanged, as always.


-ccm

ps: This is a fucking blog. It is the most self centered thing that one can do.

Beauty is all around us.
Look for it and you'll miss it.
Miss me.
Miss you.
Miss what we once were and never shall be again.
I don't think I missed much.

I am drained completely and utterly. I have much to say, but I just poured a lot into something that will probably not work out. I really am something new. Not quite as romantic as I was before, but not as hard as I was over the summer. I'm becoming what I think of as myself, and to be honest, I am comfortable with that idea.

Shannon once said that she was once so distrought that she just curled into a ball on the floor and listened to radiohead for a long time. Music can soothe us and make us think. It can comfort and kill. Sonic transmissions to the aural sense can make us remember people that we forgot about. When I hear certain songs, I can smell things, I can feel things, tactile things. I remember rooms that I haven't been in for years. I remember faces I have not seen forever. I remember scenery, love, pain, anything that you can think of. I want to be able to reach into these memories, these senses, and I want to put myself into them. There is a problem, that being real life, and the fact that I cannot regress into a world of thought and images. I can, however, listen to songs, and through them see things that I have not seen.

I can see Bridget in the "Do you Realize?" by the Flaming Lips.
I can see Mark in "96 Tears" by ? and the Mysterians.
Shannon in "Blackstar" by Radiohead
Cindy in "Birdhouse in Your Soul" by They Might Be Giants
Ashley in "Pork roll egg and cheese" by Ween
Jocelyn in "Brickhouse" by the Commodores
Blythe in "Dancin' Fool" by Frank Zappa

I have only seen Mark, out of all those people, in the past 6 months. I don't even know what happened to two of them, and only have vague notions of the fates of the rest. In those songs, I can feel that they are somewhere inside my mind, somewhere tactile, still living. I may not know what has befallen them, or what they are doing at this moment, but I can still have them in my heart and head.

I have a lot of emails to write.

-ccm